newelly

2010-03-10T11:03:00.003+08:00

BOOMZ!

Greetings people of 2010

i went on an intergalactic tour for the past 3 months. sorry, there was no signal out there. went to visit many places and met many people(beings). ho ho ho, are they interesting.

i feel like writing another essay now about my experiences but I can't because I'm late for school. o wells, some other time.

hohoho

2009-12-20T05:45:00.009+08:00

INFO IN BEATS:

I want to explore the possibilities of being human, so I became a critical and creative thinker.

I believe in believing that we survive, is what make us, survive.

I believe things are what you make them to be. Love, loyalty, exist when you care for them to exist. Desires and faith give birth to abilities.

My hardest hardship is going for what I know and others don't. I don't get much encouragement from people.

I know God intended for man to pursue answers because he made them all around us and mute.

I am young, I am unconventional, I am a contemplator; the one who ponders, watches, and do.

I know more than I tell, because I'm
- Newell

INFO IN THE FORM OF A BORING & UNIMPORTANT ESSAY:

A few life-changing events at my childhood led me to care about this universe, my life, and both its entirety and its infinite information.
Besides, obviously, analyzing all that had happened, I seek to let the unknown, the unconvincing, the undesired happen anyway. I got a compelling hunger for answers about things I've interest myself in and, too, things I haven't interest myself, so self awareness plays a big factor in it. I do that because I KNOW everything in the world plays a role in determining the quality of life. I believe I can stir my interest in anything because of the way I care how it impacts people such as myself. I do not allow in my mind anything lesser than being completely self-honest; if I screwed up: like it or not accept it no matter how it hurts. I have to keep my focus, stay with my objectives. I used to be very in control of my mind and character; not to be impatient, not to be lazy, no problems in dealing with difficult people and had a high self esteem. But recently I find myself wanting only to take a break, be more spontaneous and not living so uptight. I want to feel more relaxed. I even feel like retiring from who I am. It just happened in a way too advanced for me and thanks to it it reminds me of how inadequate I still am despite all the countless extra miles I've given. In a way I feel depressed, like I had enough, like why I couldn't do better. I experience way too much stress from my current life than I should (or could control), as my adulthood is approaching and the face of working life in Singapore appears bigger. I fear of how to handle my own future when I have overwhelming feelings of retirement from my very life. Something happened to me while I was asleep, and I hope to have a clue what it is. I guess this is the part of the story when I fall from my peak into the deepest pit I've ever face. And right now I'm just hoping I have some of the vigor the past me used to have, and I am trying hard psyching or motivating myself. When it works I am optimistic. When it doesn't I am pessimistic, and let's not forget that I have no clue how to get my support from people 'cos I didn't grew up in them.
PS: I am a shapeshifter of multiple aspects.
Winner of best boring and unimportant essay goes to
- Newell

2009-12-05T00:19:00.007+08:00

i haven't died therefore i haven't posted anything -- it's not that.
but just been blogging at a new avenue: onenewell.tumblr.com

onenewell.tumblr.com is mainly for shorter and pics posts
however once there's a long post i'd write it here still.

i have kind of liked tumblr more. it's just better than here.

enough of the updates, visit or not my tumblr stays cool.

but now, here's a post for frequent readers:

arrt is without boundaries, & what u can get away with when you cheatit has been ridiculed, it has been condemned. but enough persistence makes the idea of a special one communicated. the brain has wires the nature of veg roots, contrary to calculable score of logic in computers. the brain is artism restrained to boxed idea of money-productive lifestyle, & socially encouraged to forget.(what?) ART. -precisely

so i’m not going to care how it is expressed, but i love what i do with words and English.

“i aren’a into ideligious submit whenith ties waeth omiuniversal *prospecrity”
*(prospect + prosperity)

is a sentence i came up with today, to say in my way that:

“I am not into idealistic-cum-religious life-commitments when its welfare still ties with that by observing our vast universe.”

as a shout out to my church who wants me to minimize to their level, how one sided the relationship, when they can’t be on board with me for a second. no art, no science, but always about defeating humanism without ~~intelligence~~ contemplating the idea of life in higher intelligence. without initiative to grasp the never-before gotten, but grasping only personally impactful things which they see another have whilst they don’t. that unawared subjective perspective right there is what i call humanism deletion fail. where is your growth if you don’t compare to the universe?

zSHARE - 30H_3 ft Katy Perry - Starstrukk.mp3

2009-10-27T17:20:00.000+08:00

zSHARE - 30H_3 ft Katy Perry - Starstrukk.mp3

d

2009-10-19T13:57:00.004+08:00

I look at my own blog and i wonder if i should write anything haha.
Then i find myself clicking to the compose page and start typing..

zz.

it's not like i havent any topics to talk about, i do. but im just being procrastinating.. and all's that on my mind now is playing oblivion, or any other computer games. =x

anyhow, i think i should get started.

First thing! THE RESULTS FOR ANTM!!!!

GAAAA, I was wrong! the order wasn't too far off though. D;
This is the actual results:
1st) Nicole (Martial artist-like + modelly)
2) Laura (Graceful pix + great body elongation)
3) Brittanny (Sexy pix but lack interpersonal skills)
4) Erin (looks like a model but lack interpersonal skills)
5) Jennifer (shows good craziness of a martial artist)
6) Rae (gives good face but weak body angles)
7) Sundai (no versatility)
Eli.) Kara (shows no passion and confidence in pix)

if you think about it, my judgement of the girls individually wasn't too far off O:
this is what the gift of discernment can do...!

mood update: im lazy to continue lol. till later man.
by the way, newest single (LG Phone promo) from SNSD!

this song is now stuck in my head.
The editor for the MV sucks. too many freaking fast cuts to fully let out the charm in each scene.
"Chocolate Love"

oh, group f(X) have their own version of "Chocolate Love" too, how bizarre.

PS: if you dislike kpop, why don't you give this genre more time to develop its beauty and transcend it to song? (:

d

2009-10-14T11:28:00.004+08:00

I'm working now! Doing data entry and stuff. Loads of them yet to do. D:
later gonna do research for my boss' webbie.

in the midst of my no brainer work, dying to have something to think about, I suddenly thought of this:
Who but those you trust to have a greater knowledge would you expect the answers from?
Yet when time testifies against these people of their lack of exposure and understanding, along with bad experiences of them acting like they know it all, where a few weeks later they say from their very own mouths that they were ignorant, brings you to the question of how much can you actually trust that they have the answers?

The main race was not meant to be just about gathering of information or rewards, but also gaining in awareness; which is the starting point to cultivate values like appreciation and thanksgiving and honour. With awareness and remembrance one understands better the moral of love and the meaning of giving from the heart. With great awareness and great remembrance one understands the significance in the moral of love and the meaning and importance of giving from the heart. When you finally reach the point whereby you start seeing meaning = important, and/or; importance = meaningful, you know you are ready to bless people around, and situation around in great measures. Because only when you are aware and remembering, that you actually not become obligated to do multiple things selflessly. You are conscious of what you're doing, you are logical and visionary, but even greater you are living a decision that you made - your purpose in life. It is in your will, pure and precious, most of all, pleasing.

Compassion is not true unless you're in awareness of something great and you remember why everybody in the world needs it. Otherwise the compassion was just a command of opposed human-selfishness/ sinful-nature.

My Random Messages of Relevance :S

Philosophy, Science and the Arts increases awareness. Which is why they are my favourite topics. But for a starter to understand people would be an introduction to Psychology.

Initiate daily to question yourself deep of your your actions, and adjust your intentions/ goals to the right ones/ what inspired you to want.

(A) Awareness of significance of awareness can only be attained by questioning deep and questioning wide. And if you question the breath -distance/the long run- you'll find the significance of (A). (like a scientific three-way formula)

Never allow a subconscious thought of "for me, my current level of awareness is enough", or "i know enough about somebody" to exist and swim in your head. Always stand back and ponder for all possibilities.

OK BACK TO WORK!

a

2009-10-13T07:36:00.004+08:00

I swear I had a feeling it's gonna be a rainy morning
And now it is.

-couldn't sleep; something about the darkness of my room and the desperation of sunlight piercing through the clouds and into my room, comforts me.

dad

2009-10-13T03:24:00.003+08:00

Damn it, I wanted to sleep 3 hours ago but I did not cos I was watching Natalie's vids -CommunityChannel- on YouTube, (then, I stumble into some new Grey's Anatomy episodes), and now I really hope I can sleep by drinking milo, cos apparently it helps me go to sleep, or wake up. (My body cannot get me to sleep once it's passed 2am.) By the way, I'm also eating these Japanese nuts which now I've found out goes really well with milo.

theeeeeese >>>>

Japanese Nuts!

Whilst the milo takes effect, I thought I could share what I think about next week's ANTM. (yes, NEXT week. Dont ask me how I'd know. I'm psychic, do not question the master.) Caution spoiler alert!

Video from ANTMhost

Okhey, here's what I think!
NICOLE - Her poses aren't bad, I think she embodied the character of a Samurai rather well. However not one with much substance I feel. Just a stereotypical image of a warrior.

RAE - I love her middle picture a lot, by looking I feel she's really gonna get me, and kill me for sure. The picture on the right is fierce, as the middle, but I still think the body language in the middle pic tells a better story. Left picture is very weak. Overall good impersonation of a fierce warrior.

ERIN - I'm not convinced that she's a warrior when I see these pictures. She looks lost and her face doesn't show much at all. In fact she's telling me from these pics that she really wants to pose like a fashion model (though not good), but, forgets to be in the Samurai character.

LAURA - The best pictures of the challenge probably. I'll believe that she's a fighter in disguise as a dancer, just like real Kunoichi hiding their ninja identities back then. Though she looks like a warrior, she also looks like a model which is important. Face = gorgeous. Body = gorgeous.

BRITTANY - I think that she has natural high fashion face....which didn't work with the theme, unfortunately. From these three pictures her poses haven't shown anything special, think she could do more with those swords to bring out the model side..? Face and body could be better, not fierce enough, just too poser I think. BUT for some reason all three pictures look like she fit in to character.

JENNIFER - When I first saw Jennifer's pictures, I thought she totally nailed it. I think she might win! No..it's either her or Laura. Jennifer showed spirit, strength, skill, sexy and model. Just like Laura, she embodied the Samurai character but not forgetting that she's a model who works her body well to make clothes look good. ...maybe it'll be even better if she gave a little more scary face.

SUNDAI - err, hoochy, hoochy, hoochy. Why'd I say so? Cos she giving that face and body for what she was wearing makes her look so. None of the pics worked. She's trying too hard to look modely but totally lost the Samurai in mind. Her swords to me look more like things she'll be using for her naughty play time than actually for killing enemies. And change to more poses pls!.

KARA - Epic fail. Left pic: poor rapport with cameraman. Middle picture would work if she gave better face. Last picture: it almost look like she had a long glowing dick and she wants to show off.

So my callout will be:
Winner: Laura
Runner Up: Jennifer
Third: Nicole
Forth: Brittany
Fifth : Rae
Sixth: Erin (Tyra: You need to show more "umff!!")
(I think Erin has 45% chance in bottom two, Sundai 55% chance cos her current photo really sucks)
Bottom Two:
-Sundai (Tyra: needs versatility. substance-less photo)
-Kara (Tyra: too many chances. you show no zest)

Saved:
Sundai (Tyra: Judges believe she definitely can give more next time.)

Eliminated:
KARA!!! D:< (Me: Uninterested means you don't deserve to stay!)

2009-10-12T22:47:00.003+08:00

God let some people know more stuff;
but he also said he gave everyone freedom.

But then the person who knows more now wants something bigger;
yet now God prevents that from happening.

God's Freedom... anyone?

certainly not tiranny...

comeback

2009-10-08T01:03:00.008+08:00

HEY BLOG, how ya doing?

Yes I haven't blogged for like 2 months and it feels pretty funny now coming back ...writing this entry..., in such an unapologetic way... muaaha

But so what, blog? It's not as if you have any feelings or consciousness to form meaning of bad things happening to you electronically and your eternal life in which you do not even have to fight to get it. RAWR

Reminds me of the movie Surrogates suddenly. Aah, that's right, its about the gift of Timelessness - that's the link.

Speaking of timelessness, ...and thinking of the things that are timeless, yeap, like gravity I'm sucked to thoughts of resistance to forsake certain little beliefs and memories that actually have a direct influence to my perspective of the entire picture of life. And it's not because they made me feel in a unique way, but the better way to describe is they were EXTRAORDINARY experiences that couldn't slap me any worse to look in the direction of and reverence before the face of life itself (by "life" I mean more like one's existence and activity). It was then I became uninterested in doing stuff that just satisfy me for the day, or week, or month. I received an opportunity no man could give to break free from natural behaviour and I chose to seek the things lie beyond a normal person's sight.

Yyup!! That's ME! Just to refresh your memory blog! 8D

aah gosh, i promised myself i don't wanna go deep for this entry, so i guess I'd better stop it there. cos the deeper I go, the more hidden away my heart gets and I don't want that to happen cos intellect's not the flavour of my season. I'd want - and actually will!! - talk about simpler stuff so that I can learn how to express myself much better. OH I SO NEED THAT SKILL.

So why we now pay attention to what makes me high.
Unexpectedly..... it is.....

K-POP!!!

W00H00!!!!!!
Introducing the bestest group ever,

GIRLS' GENERATION [HOTNESS ALERT]
(Roman: So Nyeo Shi Dae; Hangul: 소녀시대; Hanja: 少女時代).

"Tell Me Your Wish (Genie)"

"Gee!"

and followed, in freaking order of my preference,

Super Junior M [HOTNESS ALERT]

DBSK [HOTNESS ALERT]

Brown Eyed Girls [HOTNESS ALERT]

f(x) [HOTNESS ALERT]

Supreme Team,

FT Island,

...&Wonder Girls -.-

SO MUCH FOR FIRST ENTRY, IT'S GETTING REALLY TOO LONG SO I'LL BLOG ANOTHER TIME, BYE BLOG!!

dad

2009-08-31T20:12:00.001+08:00

We all know our condition and pretend we don't to make our The person diagnose us and [we] move on from there on his or her course of treatment plan. That's our plan to get understood, and our plan ultimate against loneliness.

Surely many have been assertive rather than waiting for it to come. I am not sure about you, but of all the stories of success I've heard, not one of the people have succeeded in anything.

I couldn't phantom why it is our nature that we put things off. But I could tell it has got largely to do with these three fears:
- Fear of Pain
- Fear of Rejection
- Fear of Failure

Everyday..., something special happens.

2009-08-16T04:11:00.001+08:00

Something Happened Today...Something which makes today special for me, happened today and I just wish to share even if no one's reading.

It all began the usual sharing of Christ and knowledge to a friend. Our open and fruitful conversation started from a video he found on youtube.com which after some days in return to that favour I shared another video from tangle.com to him.

The link of the second video is here: http://www.tangle.com/view_video?viewkey=ef6a9a07213345cbf786

The video is a conscience poking, thought-provoking, perspective challenging perspective on why does God allow bad things to happen.

And today, I received offlined messages of his responses...

>first of all i think this guy's wire probably connect wrongly
>he is all about having absolute trust and faith in god
>even to the extent of saying that we humans are stealing our breath from god even to the extent of saying that we humans are stealing our breath from god >personally i think he is insane
>i believe the message he is trying to get across is to have absolute trust in god and there can not be ANY questions about god
>which i think is
>insane
>because a skeptic would never ask 'why am i still alive when god knows what i did or said yesterday'. to me that sentence already shows absolute surrender without any questions asked
>again
>it is insane
>something for you to think about too..

To which I replied... as I said more I got inspired more...

>im not denying your POV, but i believe he didnt mean there shouldn't be any questions about God but more about exploring deeper into one's conscience was what he was trying to get at.
>one's conscience was what he was trying to get at.
>he's also trying to dig up the true meaning of the word "faith".
>the part he didnt do well was explain WHY we should believe.
>as in, live our lives believing in something.
>i do not think he is insane because he rationalized his POV backed with true things about all humans.
>he did not command the people even though he acted persuasively. infact he was very persuasive, and delivered a good speech because he hit a certain 'spot' in most people. that made people think, that persuaded people(if he's preaching to his church then, the christians there in the church) to place absolute faith and trust in God. (because all christians face that problem)
>you are right about the skeptics. they need concrete proof of something before they can have a belief of that something. however that also makes them not aspire big.
> my view on them is, they made their world smaller and centered around themselves. they stayed with simple truths(which is not a problem, until...) but lack curiosity to discover the beauty in complex stuff.
>they probably won't understand sophistication, but understand complication very well. which is such a sad thing. furthermore they find it hard to get inspired therefore they don't aspire towards the big.
>over time they lose the ability to see colours in their world, everything appears black and white. they find they have little exposure to something complex and beautiful. which they kinda like, cos they can lead their simple life.
>they see no much meaning in life, think that life is overrated. all they want to do is just live by the simple truths they know, and die and serve their bodies as fertilisers to the plants on earth.
>then they'll just do whatever their peers or society says. the standard of living. they might consider a family if they contain more meaning in life in them though.
>my question to them just is: why haven't you been doing anything with your life?
>not you, of course. but people like them.
>psychologists always wonder what is the origin of hope, joy, courage and creativity.
>where we could just live simplisticly like the skeptics.
>who is the one who can't know better to give up, or the one who gives up too easily? who is the one who is smarter? and who is the one, who's more fulfilled and happier?
>if throughout history and literature it stress great significance in one being alive and the greatness of life, does it mean that there are certain timeless truths about life, and if we know them, we should aspire for them?
>the question is: do you want to be a true truth seeker?
>You are talking to a truth seeker here. I am a truth seeker, and I believe in believing many things. I also, happen to find a God who answers my questions in a way no one can, therefore I do have a logical faith.
>As a deep thinker, I will be tempted by science sometimes that God isn't faithful, and I can understand if others think so. But as a Christian at some point of my life God came in and touched my life, hence my life is changed forever from then. No matter how much I doubt I can never erase that memory that, at that time, something happened in my heart.
>I encourage you to join me and attend for services. Because I want you to hear the things I hear and I want to hear your opinions, understand them and understand how you feel - a trait of a truthseeker.
>It's not about the church you're attending, but the hearing of the message. I'd be glad if you could attend some time. And remember, it is not about the conversion, but what got into your soul.:)
>I know i've sidetracked too far, but does that matter lol.
>anyways, a pleasure talking to you again. hope you receive all these messages on ur msn man.
>Goodnight :)

To some, this might seem something awful boring, well it's understandable to think that way since you are reading it as a thrid-person.

However this conversation really made me think about myself, why did I choose to do what I do? Even sometimes I forgot why, but not tonight, not tonight. Having gone through all of what God put me into, I come to you with many 'souvenirs' from one place to the other extreme.

My compassionate nature, fueled by the ability to understand different people's motivation... My beliefs that everyone deserves a fresh start... no matter how unacceptable they are to normal rationalization...

Will my many beliefs one day come crashing on me? I know I'm imperfect and I can't have all the knowledge of the world without knowing that I know absolutely nothing. I know the answer is: Yes, they will, and I shan't disallow it to happen because that would be not facing life (Prevent denial, Get truth. Get out of my perspective and view from another). I will wait upon God's timing. ...But, will I still believe? I Will Still Believe in Believing to Aspire in Life.

At this point if you, my shepherd, is reading, wanna say a big hello!
But if you're think my thoughts are still not greatly in tune with God and you're probably worried that I still have to bear acceptance of yet another hurtful truth, I just want to tell you: ...I can take that...tell me what you know. :) 'cos my pride is getting annoying.

dream

2009-08-04T11:52:00.001+08:00

I had the undoubtedly most ****ing weirdest dream I ever had in years..

*takes in breath. breathes out*

First I dreamt that I was hanging out with someone then as we headed to Toa Payoh MRT Station, I entered the station but lost that person. Expecting the person to catch up soon enough, this person never bothered to come back. I waited in the train platform for hours then finally decided to call someone. I board a train to home then this person's friend called me back and told me the truth about his friend's character, and it turns out that I was unwanted by this person and then it triggered in me to have antisocial thoughts. Bad thoughts, and thoughts of a mental disorder patient. Our conversation stopped, and once again I told myself I'm choosing intelligence so that I will not feel those hurting feelings.

In my dream I became antisocial towards others. I appeared charming and bright, but I was very manipulative to get the things I want. I couldn't get along with others, and then I was brought to two shrinks for investigating.

At the questioning I hate the two shrinks because I was certain they couldn't help me.

But then I see this man sitting behind them, telling me what to say. He and I were able to engage in a really effective communication. He smiles and makes eye contact directly to me. We looked at each other and talked with no problems. So whatever he says, I say it to the shrinks.

After some time the shrinks, however, noticed that I was seeing someone I shouldn't be seeing in the room.

They tried to make me to find out if that man's real or not. I felt pressurized as that man and I were still having a strong connection.

But suddenly, unexpectedly after seemingly not being able to tolerate the emotion anymore, my higher intelligence that was kept in some part of my brain came out of where he was hiding and overruled the all the functioning of my brain. I could see things clearer and think different. He had me a new personality. I realize I was seeing an imaginary person just now, perhaps he's my friend, or my ally, and now he seems to fade off whilst looking at me. Like dying.

In the real world, at that time I think my mind was in too much shock and releasing too much adrenaline that it semi-awoke me to a semiconscious state.

Now I can recall that that part of my mind that was conscious was freaked out by how my it had managed to come up with these. All the people, all the words that they say - I swear I haven't planned them like my current scriptwriting module before I went to sleep. I have no idea how the pathology of the different class of people could conceive itself in my dream. Had I been observing behaviour patterns of different people too much? I don't know.

Nonetheless, while still semiconscious, I felt like that's how it feels like to be a mental patient. As time goes my mind is slowly gaining consciousness. And suddenly I woke up with my eyes wide open.

Time however, I have no idea how it is measured - in my dream and in reality - like Einstein's theory of relativity, the previous four paragraphs could have happened in one second.

Other things that happened in the dream which I couldn't find clearly the time they happened include, receiving a picture message of my friend apparently looking being raped by another friend whom I've not kept in contact with in reality. Strong pure emotions of worry, fear, disgust-cum-despise-cum-frustration-cum-anger towards some people in the dream, and a grief that hasn't awaken itself yet in my dream - maybe because I was suppressing it.

When I fully woke up and think about the dream, I think that it isn't a typical dream of some fantasy but everything in it really can find its own way of becoming real.

I wasn't dreaming a dream. I was seeing all the things I am apprehensive of at this point of my life.

a

2009-07-26T17:22:00.001+08:00

A biologist said that perhaps one of the noblest achievements of Science and Philosophy is to discover our true role in the universe. Who are we? Why do we fit into the larger scheme of things? That he thought was the essential question unifying philosophy, science and art. And today, Physicist Dr. Michio Kaku of City University of New York, author of 'Parallel Worlds' think that we might be able to answer that question because we are on the verge of perhaps the greatest breakthrough in the history of science - and that is the discovery of other life forms in space.

a

2009-07-17T23:10:00.006+08:00

Hello,

sometimes when I think I want to kill...but I cannot love when unless I think of others...most of the time I just stay within a neutral zone. others won't think much of me that way.

I harbor true hatred and compassion at different times each, I asked myself but I don't really understand how those two can coexist in me.. I just might have been blocking God's love out of me for a long time. That might explain why I can't love unconditionally.
I just can never expect fully the amazing things that the brain could do can I?

PS., this is the case of expectation that is not a forced assumption. More of like a subconscious one.

Goodnight.

a

2009-07-15T15:34:00.006+08:00

Why is recognition important to me?
Why sometimes I'd want to speak of my achievements?
Because it is where you'll see who I am.
It is not that I want fame, or glory.
But I want understanding, I want the knowing, of my friends and people I consider family to know and accept me for who I really am, and (I want them) be spending time with a person real not a person disguised.

However the substance I have doesn't always reflect on my attitude and behaviour, sometimes even my personality. I don't really remember why though, but I keeping changing as a person one day to another.

So I just wish to inform to anyone it may concern, please do not have too conceived notions of me. Because I realised only a few who have had those long, philosophical, erudite, theological, reflective, abstract, comprehensive conversations with me could remind me of who I am (in other words 'help') when I needed grasp on navigating through my solitary down moments, and provide me with mutual support.

I am thankful to my friends who remember who I am. Because sometimes being in church makes me forget who I am, where I've come from (in other words 'mutuality'), and where I've wanted to go. I find myself almost turning into a pod.

But for anyone who really understands this, he should know that I'm not trying to put the blame on the church and its people. Neither hating God, just confessing: occasionally angry why these problems are happening.

d

2009-07-07T01:02:00.005+08:00

Based on a true story...
Why do you believe in God? (50% completed...)

One of my friends, he’s soft and sincere, came to ask me about why I choose to have the faith I'm having, not particularly interested about Christianity, but why did I at least believe that there is a God.

I told him from a person who is experienced in many of life's greatest moments that at each moment was when I see deeper into the everything we do in life and see how events are designed to engage people to cooperate together hence, was when I believe that "randomness" is either not the answer or too underrated by us, because it must be something more, like an unsung genius, an entity of great love to be the cause of all things in life.

Then I told him from a normal person's perspective, that we should see with a very open-mind about everything and anything that make this world what it is we've heard or known today. Ask how can something possibly exist? Why will the possibility exist in the first place? And don't be too quick to use your own wisdom to comprehend any reported reality, not to mention those where you don't even have first hand or personal experience of. Remain that openness if you're serious about finding out the answer, and go deep, into as many aspects of life as you can - don't let mental exhaustion cause you to give a bias judgment - and go deep into many, many aspects. Not just your favourites. Not just things that you're interested. Watch out that you become a bias source. My personal suggestion would be watch lots of movies and documentaries, then read lots of books. See all the different elements that contribute to the human living experience and try to identify all the many emotions you've never really encountered. Ask yourself why is the world so dynamic. And try to trace the origins of these elements - what do they mean?- and also the origins of hope, creativity, courage and joy.

Sure as you've heard, the question of God's existence is a big one. So I said to him, "I'm not trying to say you are wrong, but do not be so sure about the things you are so sure of in your head.

"You'll never know, for change tends to happen when you least expect it. What if someday something wrong to you appears right in front of your eyes? keeping an open mind is very important cos it helps you get a way out when there isn't any. Just like we have two sides of our brain, logic and creativity.

"and you might want to know why we're made what we are. Anyway. You might reject the thing that happened before your very eyes and for the record, before you realised it she might be the love of your life who gives you purpose. You'll never know what the future has in store for you.

Calmly he tried hard, responding in slight stammering while he pondered what was said, because a part of him tells him he has to respond, no matter what, he has to stand up for the innocent belief of his mind which he nurse and care for there "I just think.. some things are just sim-simple facts." ("Like things occur all randomly." was what he meant by the look on his face.)

So I starred back at him with a quizzical look on my face wondering at his words, realising that that was precisely what I just said about never being ever-sure of your own wisdom, but that sentence he's just said . . .’you see, is also your wisdom, you're still not being open about this, you have to think out of the box. Einstein said 'Creativity is to hide your sources’ . . .and before I knew it he seemed to have heard my thoughts. My quizzical face slowly turned to horror.

His "hmph." let me know that I had opened my mouth actually.

It wasn't the most appropriate time for me to express my shame out I thought, instead, looking forward to the point in my next sentence as my embarrassment faded into my subconsciousness. I said "It all boils down to how much do you want to know the answer to that big question.

a

2009-07-06T01:10:00.002+08:00

Fire and water will destroy printed media, but New Media shall distribute hyperlinks of what I say everywhere so it will never be gone.

Now we say collectively all that we feel as we aspire for life, then we go cut ourselves, or jump. When humanity has found salvation through death, psychologists will cry in their knowledge one day.

STD: Salvation Through Death

If Tomorrow Never Comes

2009-06-25T03:51:00.001+08:00

If Tomorrow Never Comes

A couple hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret to his success:
Never leave that to tomorrow which you can do today.
This is the man who discovered electricity.
He think more of us would listen to what he had to say.

I don't know why we put things off but I guess it has a lot to do with fear:
-Fear of Failure
-Fear of Pain
-Fear of Rejection
Sometimes the fear is just the making of a decision.
Because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?

But the early bird catches the worm.
A stitch in time saves nine.

He who hesitates is lost.

We can't pretend we haven't been told.
We've all heard the prophets,
heard the philosophers,
heard our grandparents warning us about waste of time...
Heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day...

Still, sometimes...we have to see for ourselves.
We have to make our own mistakes.
We have to learn our own lessons.
We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug, until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant.

That knowing..
is better than wondering.
That waking..
is better than sleeping.

And that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake,
beats the hell outta never trying.

a

2009-06-16T23:24:00.004+08:00

WARNING: The following image might not be suitable for viewing by majors. It is potentially severely disturbing or horrifying, or both, to some especially the weak in heart. In the worst case scenario, one can be overwhelmed by the magnitude of wrong at so many levels hence led to a psychological trauma and possible head trauma. (In which the latter should get immediate consult from neurosurgeon Dr. Derek Shepherd of medical drama Grey's Anatomy.) Viewer discretion is advised.

I AM SO NOT DOING THIS WITH MY HOLIDAYS.

a

2009-06-14T15:38:00.007+08:00

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a

2009-06-14T14:57:00.003+08:00

I think we should

love the weird people.
for they tried protecting the happiness in this world.

- - -

no one can ever know how much I love the show Grey's Anatomy.

a

2009-06-14T14:41:00.002+08:00

It's hard to stay sane sometimes...
When this world is so hostile, constantly attacking you of the things you wanna keep.
Be it things you can touch,
or things you can't see.
Don't wonder why people go crazy.
Wonder why they don't.
'Cos in the face of all-we-can-lose in a day,
wonder what the hell it is...
that makes us hold it all together.

Not a Grey's Anatomy quote.

g

2009-06-12T18:25:00.003+08:00

Doesn't matter how tough we all are. Trauma always leaves a scar.
They follow us home,
changes our lives,
trauma messes everybody up,
but,
maybe that's the point.
All the pain, and the fear, and the crap...
Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward,
it's what pushes us...
maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up.

Grey's Anatomy.

d

2009-06-12T15:00:00.002+08:00

This is the day I thank the Lord for Internet.
For I've been locked up at home by my mum who took my keys along with hers to work by accident for the second or third time.
HA.
The loss I have to bear this time is not being able to fellowship with my friend for lunch.
Just a recap the last this happened I wasn't able to go to school and thank God it wasn't submission day.
So this is why I thank God for the Internet, to keep me entertained while I'm sentenced to home imprisonment!

a

2009-06-12T03:02:00.003+08:00

Practicing medicine...
Doesn't land itself well to the making of friends.
Maybe because life and mortality...,
are in our faces all the time.
Maybe because in staring down death everyday...,
we're forced to know that life, every minute, is borrowed time.
And each person we let ourselves care about...
is just one more loss... somewhere down the line...

For this reason,
I know some doctors who just don't bother making friends at all.
But the rest of us,
we make it our job to move that line.
To push each loss... as far away as we can...

A beautiful phrase from Grey's Anatomy.

0

2009-06-09T23:54:00.009+08:00

I talked to my careperson today regarding two things that have been bothering me for some time.
1) Changing of course to Psychology Studies.
2) Mother & son issues.

About no. 1)

Due to careperson-student confidentiality, I can't reveal much about what was said because it includes personal information about both her and me. But I can say that she had shed more light to my path by reassuring me on certain things that I wasn't sure if I have them. Some of them include unhappiness in going to school to attend classes, and another would be having the flair in drawing therefore a capable animation student to-be. (Although I chose to major in video.) She was sincere, and she said words true to her heart. She was understanding and reasonably positive all the time if I could say that. It wasn't just optimism but she really believed it from the bottom of her heart. She told me what to do, and I just wished that I wouldn't miss out any of them. The list goes as so:
- check for any changes in payment of school fees. [done]
- research and be informed about what the course teaches, not just know what Psychology is. [doing]
- fish out as many people from that course and talk to them. [doing (but need help)]
- be prepared when I'm meeting the course manager. [far from done]

About no. 2)

Same thing here, I can't reveal much because of the same reason. Nevertheless the main point she made was that my mother really cares for me. I don't want to be anyone but someone who keeps an open mind about that - a respect to the law of possibility. She said I am very blessed because I actually got the green light from my mother about changing my course. This is the biggest obstacle for any student she said. And she said that was because my mother really believe I will do my best in where I am. She told me my mum went looking for her enquiring and confessing personal things and the fact that she attended the parents' night shows that I'm really important to her. There are five love languages she said, and she told me to use my knowledge of them to my advantage. She suspects that both my mum and I are deprived because we don't know about love languages and thus haven't been "feeding" each other anything. I then confessed to my careperson that all the while I knew I'm giving the vibes to my mum that I don't want her around, and I did nothing to change that because it is indeed my time now as a teenager to hurt back her, for all the hurts she used to give me. I told her what were the vibes, and unpleasant(anti-humanity) confirmations, that my mother gave me when I was still young and innocent. My careperson understands. Timeout, before I further become a narrator narrating what happened. Ok, but anyway I just don't know how to put it, but I'm almost done. My careperson said she understands that hurt people hurt people. And that it's impossible to alter that fact. She then asked me do I still love my mother and I couldn't answer her. This was when she nods and says "Newell, your mum really, really cares for you" and she teared.

Should I too, cry?

d

2009-06-05T14:05:00.002+08:00

We enter the world alone
And we leave it alone.
And everything that happens in between?
We owe it to ourselves to find a little company.
We need help, we need support.
Otherwise we're in it by ourselves...
Strangers...
Cut off from each other.
And we forget...
Just how connected we all are.

So instead, we choose love...
We choose life...

And for a moment...
We feel just a little less alone.

- Grey's Anatomy.

d

2009-05-31T18:56:00.001+08:00

Brandi Carlile - The Story (Official Video).mp3 -

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

a

2009-05-31T18:13:00.004+08:00

I for one believe in The simple Truth.

The truth always seems to be many things, but these always turn out to be much more of other unexplainable things. I recognise that we humans do not have the power to be perfect, therefore I think the truth must be something more simpler.

And I can't confirm, I can only have faith.

Bottom line, I know my faith is logical.

What about what you believe in?

a

2009-05-17T18:12:00.003+08:00

a

2009-05-17T05:06:00.005+08:00

zxzxzxza

2009-05-17T04:22:00.004+08:00

There could be no more simpler reason for saying this.

maybe it's my logic-based perspective, aka unemotional-ity. but the worst part to me is when you make emotional response to the opposite party, in an uncomplimentary manner, for your own shortcoming. honestly, i was expecting more from you. like, learning from your mistakes and not living in regret. and the last four words means by getting smarter, not more unemotional towards people. because logically speaking ANY blocking of emotions is at one's own fricking loss and wisening up, and minding over emotions, is one's own precious gain of perspective. CHANGE has to be on the right places for a desired CHANGE!

Watch how much your sufferings are, OR, Do until you reach there.

The decision is yours.

a

2009-05-14T03:13:00.001+08:00

i can't express myself correctly.
it's a fatal, fatal mistake every time.

s

2009-05-12T17:05:00.002+08:00

i'm just so confused.
i don't feel like going to school.
but i had to make myself go because those are feelings and i can't let them rule over me.
but i really don't want to go to school.

my life's exhausting.

but these are just words, and they don't mean much to anyone.

in response to the 50 people 1 question film group, if they ever asked me:
I wish that I can wake up to my dream job.

2009-05-08T15:05:00.002+08:00

http://www.getobsessedwithali.com/?movie=Gm0l3zP5VuFP

AHHH! ali larter has her claws on me!

a

2009-05-01T02:53:00.002+08:00

In a friendship,
when one of them falls, the other one comes to save him.
But sometimes,
when one of them falls, the other one makes himself stronger to save him.
That was how it is,
but the act of doing that...
is exactly my problem.

For I've weakened.

s

2009-04-28T22:08:00.002+08:00

Silence is good.
It has its good.

It makes you think,
It makes you calm,
It makes you contemplate,
It makes you remember,
It makes you realise,
It makes you change yourself,
It makes you come up with a will.

It is meant for good purposes,
It is an opportunity for something new.

d

2009-04-27T02:43:00.003+08:00

i just want to say this,

Some people can see, some people can't. The more I find, the more I know what I can see, and don't know what I can't.

That reached my gut instinct some years back. Which was why I realised that being intellectually talented isn't the best thing to yearn for after all. Though I admit that it was because of the intensive using of my brain to pursue answers, that by experience had led me to such abstractness of thought of such possibility happening to me.

So what I'm trying to say is, my main point is, not that we should stop seeking our answers but to remember that we can never be humble enough. Especially when we are more determined to not give up. Pride.

So I'd like to share what I did.

I knew that I had to be someone more to change for the better. If I have a goal in life I want the goal to be of truth and with meaning. And I'm a perfectionist. I can't tolerate one second more being in the person I've just managed to know of as a 'weaker' person or a second best. Knowing the changed is the first step to be it. I knew that grass is greener the other side, but how am I able to get there? Desperately, I went back to think again, in my thinking cap, not to decipher anything this time but to discover a new form of solution. This is when you need to have your heart with you. Slowly, slowly, I moved thoughts downward from my brain towards my heart. I didn't know this technique before, but when humans are desperate enough, we change. I wanted so desperately to get out of the frame of an intellect for the first time, that I find thinking things in ways that are 'betraying' to myself sometimes a necessity. What you gotta ask, what do you love more in life? and work towards it. I knew for certain then I can never be God anytime soon because I couldn't save everything. I had to decide what to let go. I count this as evolution. Maybe valid to be called evolution, if next time I could do something same in higher efficiency but with lesser losses. Eventually I did and finally found myself tapping into another source what they call Creativity. Guess that's why they discovered the brain as having two separated parts, the Logic part and the Creative part.

You have no idea of the process.

There was no structure and there was no stress even though I'm working towards an answer. Very intuitive. No system whatsoever. It's spontaneous. It's imagination, and you can give no proof to no logic. It was a moment I released myself from what I was sure and changing myself to become a ponderer. For the critical thinker I was before was building up his cockymanship and ignorance of pride and thank God that he made me felt the 'If' of my life and the direction I'm heading.

different experiences is the best in life or maybe definitely better than being the best in position in life. for it will mean nothing if so!

TIME OUT: to tell you the truth guys, if you've read it this far, gees, you know what? because as a matter of fact i've already forgotten the original structure of my story today and I was actually rojak-ing a lot of information for the last four paragraphs. I'm so sorry, for I was supposed to share something. The original structure I could remember just now was a i-promised-as-hell short and clear and nice! not a grandmother story. But after sometime, my brain just rusted out for some reason. Guess I can always think much faster than I can say. Though this weak arrangement might arise many misconceptions. But my point stays, that we can never be humble enough to be safe, especially if you have the characteristics of someone not willing to give up anytime soon. but giving up is stupid, but understandable, forgivable, but can't set aside it. The right thing to do is not give up, but change your thoughts and change your worldview. Human structure will always fail one day. Remember to be creative, it adds fun to your life! and this change is necessary to everyone because it allows you to see things you didn't know you can't. and the truth is, there's so much more out there than you can see, fools. but I love the fool my friends are and the fool I am. To Humanity!

i found recently a quote that einstien himself said too: creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. I tell you, it is true, and it starts by painfully 'betraying' yourself, put it in a nicer way: letting go.

a

2009-04-24T01:46:00.002+08:00

Does this means anything to you? I dunno.., I just hope to someone out there, it does..

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People (but don't say their name) :

1. I want you, still (so you might know it's you).

2. AMANDA MA I WAS ON MC, JUST THAT I FORGOT TO SUBMIT IT TO G.O.!

3. Get lost you all, so you can come to me :)

4. I understand what you've gone through, it was the same main place, just maybe a slightly different climate at then.

5. I deserve to be on this list!

6. Look no more. Observe me. Analyze me. Pick me. Accept me as your apprentice.

7. Recognize my psyche as true the reason why it got in my head in the first place.

8. Don't do this.

9. I don't know why you came into my head, but I'm not even interested to say anything to you but since I'm typing, read this CLEARLY: you are disgusting to me, mainly because your cognition is pathetic. I'm sorry.

10. Spirit me away. If I'm destined to be a celibate.

Nine things about myself :

1. unsure of my state

2. physically insubstantial

3. contradicted by the callings from opposing sides.

4. extrasensory

5. lost my mind map

6. stubborn, in both good and bad ways

7. just one flaw in my defense: to feel sadness

8. upset, fearful, un-hopeful of the change that occurred in me.

9. thorough

Eight ways to win my heart :

1. Be sad. And pitiful.

2. A redeemed you. Having a reason to your commonly disliked acts.

3. Cried some rivers.

4. Be as forward-going as a flying bird.

5. Talent in empathizing.

6. Dare to let go to discover more about your genuineness.

7. Ability for appreciation.

8. Strong ability to envisage.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot :

1. Blank.

2. What do I have to change.

3. My computer is a screen, it is showing something white, some smaller parts black.

4. Where's my energy source.

5. "uhh..I need to be.... uh..... something. ss..I forgot for now, I need to go ..uh.. think again. that's right.. that's that; that's right.. uhh..I need to be...."

6. How did all this happen

7. Bolster is the most faithful.

Six things I do before I fall asleep :

1. Get out from my computer chair

2. turn the fan's direction to my bed

3. let my mind be automatic

4. subconsciously allow and un-allow thoughts to be used as ingredients for my dream(s) later.

5. send command to my body to produce emotion to stimulate myself to sleep.

6. pray my thanks in neverthelessness.

Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever) :

1.

2.

3.

4.

5. what can you be to mean a lot for my heart?

Four things your wearing right now :

1. nil

2. nil

3. psychic aura

4. shorts.

Three songs that you listen to often :

1. To The Ends Of The Earth - Hillsong

2. Untitled - Simple Plan

3. Canon in D Major - Pachelbel

Two things you want to do before you die :

1. Hopefully, I can sing my song of how wrong our skeptic beliefs are.

2. Impact.

One confession :

1. Is there any sentence, that can say it all? I don't think so. No amount of words can grasp the simplicity of the simplest things, which is why sometimes people say it best when they say nothing at all, but despite that occasionally I still keep talking and writing, hoping at least someone can get the simple information of what I say. Alright, it's the end.

d

2009-04-11T00:19:00.002+08:00

i was supposed to blog an entry, but i changed my mind. i might be writing a longer version of the story i intended to post, in the form of an essay. and it shall be done in microsoft word, and my hard drive is where it shall belong for now.

so later, gonna take a break for now.

d

2009-04-08T21:20:00.002+08:00

im at macs now using their computer to serve the net and i just checked my results for sem 2. i only have 5 mins left i guess that's good cos it keeps me be objective to what i rly wanna say and not dwell. i did badly. not very bd, but considerably. i am not at all anywhere near liking or okay with my new results. but yetafter seeing it i guess i have to move on. and start working smartly, instead of hardly. i dont want history to repeat itself so i must rly make smart decisions from now on i guess. i just dont know how long i can last. but yet i will. initially i had a lot more of the thoughts and emotional thoughts in my mind i wanted to say in this 5 mins.\ but for those who're familiar with my condition, you shd not be surprised to learn that ive forgotten them. not because they're not important, but simply because i cant seem to concentrate. i lost focus once im on this screen to type.\\ anyways, pardon me for the slashes, i dont have enough time toremove them and the keyboard is rly hard to ty[pe. later.

a

2009-04-07T18:46:00.002+08:00

i don't know anything.
don't be fooled by me guys.

~

there's nothing for me to do.

~

they say the path of a successful man is one of many failures.
i used to be more optimistic...i recognized my failure...embraced it. tried to go around my obstacle.
but now it makes me wonder...is what they say really true..?
if so, ...why do things feel so...perfectly wrong? Failures.

wait.
or could it be not failure?

but my born incompetence

~ no things with purpose for me to do
but at least typing this out i feel better...perhaps.

j

2009-04-05T06:25:00.003+08:00

Like the art movement Dadaism, I don't have to have an objective to display something on this web page. perhaps giving you a little welcome, also considered information, essential for any further demystification missions about my bizarre mind that had produced an overall abizzract uqueenic way of thinking.

Get ready...
*sad melody starts...*
*mellow*
*mellow..*
*melancholy...*

When I was much younger my mum held me in her hands once while standing on a chair. We were at the edge of the 10th floor corridor of my flat in Teck Whye, and my mum asked me if I wanted to join her to drop down. She had a terrible dispute with my dad and wanted to give up. That time my reply was yes, looking at the flat hard ground below, to follow my mum I made myself fearless, I was ready, and I was clear of my decision to end absolutely and be together with my mum in the next world to be in. But the suicide never happened, lest you'll miss the newell in the blog posts you're reading from this very web page. I don't know what got over my mum, but she chose to step down from the chair then. (Coward? probably. But I wasn't.) Ever since then, the image of suicide and the face of death have been with me all the way until today.

Just the other night; just like any ordinary night, darkness, of the schooling term of glorious Temasek Design School, I was really wondering how it'll be like if I really died, as I was suppose to. That uncontrollable curosity to see the underneath of an object went to the extent of occassional imagining the obsoletism of my earthly aliveness, hence the life in the strongly believed second a-world, oh... it's somewhere in between the suspicious hues and specks of paint on a masterpiece; yes it's the universe, somewhere hidden among the colourful benign clouds and jewel-sparkling stars...lies my solitary planet and home. This picture is so seductive. And my curosity is tempting my guts to triumph terminating life, I.

... Hope you welcome the alien, Laszlo Newell(baptized).

d

2009-03-20T18:21:00.002+08:00

you all kept trying to let me know that the disease im suffering is Sin,
but what if it turns out to be something more?

screw this consciousness of mine. whenever i try to concentrate i always cant.
i hate school and morning classes. and i hate block system.
ive been skipping many classes but who cares? yea, like i said, who in school cares of that kind of behavior from me.

people are starting to not become what they meant to me before already..
nature is beginning to unveil itself to me to show its nakedness.
and my idealist's mind is starting to break.
the sky of my world is crumbling down.
and im solitary in armageddon.

enjoy your if you see kay camp.

how can i ever believe i'm not just a speck of dust in the universe

eqe

2009-03-16T12:23:00.003+08:00

d

2009-03-12T02:17:00.003+08:00

d

2009-03-12T01:34:00.002+08:00

life is all aout school work
which its expectations i couldn't reach.

d

2009-03-07T22:50:00.002+08:00

Are there any survivors out there, someone who overcame the falling of his heart and mind upon realising that he had lost his talents which was with him for all his childhood, to come and tell me what should I do next?

I need an explanation from someone who had gone through a real experience like mine. And give me answers that are God-free but truthful.

I want to have some time to figure out on my own.
And I've run out of patience to hear from the people who inform me of my own interests.
For no one knows of my interests except me.

Have you ever understood how it feels like when you have lost your talent which was with you for all your childhood? It's something you've been nurturing, and it was that thing that taught you so much things about life; the purpose to be alive, the love to be received and to give...

d

2009-03-06T00:51:00.003+08:00

I love you, when my back is aching and my lungs hurt from the coughing.

I can expect this, like the parallels in a movie, right this instance upon reading the above statement goes the church again which forcibly defines my humanity with little courtesy.
The meanest patient, even the very lowest is allowed some say in the matter of his own prescription. Thereby he defines his humanity.
So why can't I be human?

a

2009-03-06T00:45:00.001+08:00

Uneventful hours. I'm furious and fearful at something I probably had created to exist in my mind in the first place.

Sometimes, I need someone who will come to me. Please wouldn't you be kind to explain to me why all this is happening?

d

2009-03-05T00:52:00.001+08:00

Let me stop the breaking of me, of my hide; the establishment...whilst my soul within, coming to dust; dying absolutely, yet this happening I have to pretend peace.

I shall pretend. I have to.

Of fcrnoa:
As if you held in your hand a smoking gun and on the floor lay the one you said you loved.

I love you anyway.

adad

2009-03-02T05:05:00.004+08:00

Of Me.

Intelligent thinking + "being creative is to hide your sources"-A Einstein = Abstract Thinking.

doubts about intelligence?
ask me any physics question, and I can reply you using my instinct.

instinct?
Quote: "Newell: ...understanding of the universe, its rules and the logical analysis of systems."

'nuff said.

yesterday i contemplate, today i wonder, tomorrow i ponder.
I contemplate about yesterday, I wonder about today, I ponder about tomorrow.

two statements,
a variety of perspectives for you to select.

have you asked yourself today, "why do you not understand?"
like this post.

2009-03-01T15:30:00.001+08:00

My Franc.
meows he.

dada

2009-02-25T23:52:00.000+08:00

they do not speak of my interests.

d

2009-02-24T15:40:00.003+08:00

though it's a bit not the right kinda mood my blogskin gives but yea, i think it's good music nevertheless. and omg, the keyboard scores in it.

Broken Strings (Remix) - James Morrison

s

2009-02-24T14:46:00.012+08:00

DARK (don't be fooled by my jolly attitude in this post :)

They spend so much effort in deciphering the mysterious way of the words in the Bible, but nothing more than a few breaths of respiration necessary for the time spent to read my posts.

Because the things said in the Bible helps.
But although my consistency and conflicting sayings are not as absolute and nil respectively as the Bible, I feel I'm receiving a bit too much of a condemnation by the heckcaring attitude of others.
Sobs.

Oh well, but I do know that I could write my holy bible and lead a people secretly-I-find-ludicrous if I put in my absolute energy. For all I need is in my mind.
And my flaws will be too unnoticeable, except to those who dare to defy what I said oh-so firmly.

I might be digging into my own grave, now that I say this out. :O

come on, this life is meant to have fun. Love is.. uh whachamacallit.

s

2009-02-24T13:18:00.005+08:00

because a problem when the person is facing faces he solo knows of it exactly, the others themselves are lost for helpining and couldn't help.
therefore in their intelligence should realize they to start a harder tryation for at least impacting a change in the person.

that ain't English as we know.
But sometimes I speak like that, because it's useful, because the unseen efficiency exists.
and it'll be unapologetic of me. because I did no wrong - in fact I was free when I created a new language.
Language. Any one of them. forces one to take the ideal perspective to someone's expression as the language's core founders see fit, and a style the modern mentors and establishers see good fitting for writing, reading, speaking and listening. But general people forgot they have their own perception the more they use words they're being taught, unlike the children and unlike those who mastered themselves in English and make it their own. but still it doesn't have to come to this. why haven't you started your own language before, when you had the means to before the present when it's too late? haven't you see that woe of yours to sometimes fail to express yourself through educated-words? oh how unconscious it could be.
The language of life is simple and short. - it is composed and understood by the heart.
But the language we learn to entertain people's expressions is complicated and maybe too ambitious, though it might had been done out of goodwill. now it's most probably due to obligation.
Don't judge someone by what they say.

PS: You might just find that faith is the key thing. Accompanied with a little heart, and you can hear what someone is truly trying to say. But that's near impossible since work became a chore. And understanding became a work.

a

2009-02-21T03:08:00.005+08:00

If only I can write well...

Like a Virginia Woolf. When you refer it to a thing... "it" being the idea of the singularity of the subject, in the case of Virginia... Therefore if you happen to, you are talking of the what of Virginia Woolf, her socially classified lifeless qualities. While if you refer it to a human, you are talking of the who, the character of her.
I don't want to be Virginia Woolf because we have ourselves to be. We have our own unique standpoint. But how I wish I can have her writing skills though - it is not just skills... it is the nature that's in her skills. The nature of Virginia Woolf.

a

2009-02-19T23:02:00.002+08:00

the smile on my face.

this is real.
my life was real. the past.
a confirmation. that.
the ways i'd tried were not futile. neither was the understanding i have to get answers.
it was fruitful.
and it shall continue to be...
i'm coming.
so look out for me.

dasd

2009-02-18T22:10:00.002+08:00

why must we always live according to this world?
our hobbies,
our thinking,
our language,
our ideas.

the things that we desperately pursue, all because of the fear.
that fear, was created by us, by the ideas of life we have, because no one changed those ideas they have, that's why the fear still exists. and this world almost everyone is like that. therefore it shaped itself to something so pathetic, great ideas shy itself from being conceived in the minds of most people. so unconsciously, yet so pathetic. them all the blind people can't see, only the visionary can.

institutions robbed my life from me. apart from 'how dare they'. they even think that i'm ungrateful. i wrestled with myself alone in the darkness. these institutions had helped me nothing. instead, i was the one who brought in new ideas to them. ideas for betterment. plans that can be conceived, with just a little belief. i asked for nothing in return except their initiative to be a little more imaginative - i tried to achieve this by inspiring them, not by obligation. how much does that hurt them? no, they won't do it because they are afraid to. they are overtaken by the fear. the same fucking fear i was talking about.

da

2009-02-18T03:30:00.003+08:00

My endeavor.
- uncompleted.
pencil on paper.
approx A4 +.

2009-02-17T22:13:00.007+08:00

tell me, am i fucking wrong to say that someone has to die!?
am i, unrighteous when i say someone has to die!!
aren't we not living the lives of others! who are you to assume jurisdiction over the multiformity of their opinions without second thought!?
when they think that the key of completion of life, might be the act of putting life away...
thus it be, he who dies will be ...the poet. ...The Visionary.

- - -

when my head is clear, everyone can die
by my words. by my initiatives.

- - -

funny how I have the choice to use white science or black science, to regenerate, or degenerate.
Haha.
Life's a comedy to those who think. I'm thinking now.
who says I keep feeling?
who.

da

2009-02-15T18:19:00.002+08:00

The Hours Soundtrack -

a

2009-02-15T04:23:00.002+08:00

how able is one to recognise feelings;
recognise thoughts;
recognise spirits;

to know of hearts, to forebode of minds, to find - the soul hiding deep inside a person.

when is a person's genuineness?
how soon will care reveal its true nature to every individual?
and will that individual not reject the nakedness he sees, that of the full burden of responsibility he has to carry? will he choose to stop. will he give up? will he, rather had done nothing than do a bad thing? or will he, in the most disgusting of options that remains, chooses to pretend he had not learnt of anything? will his discernment be worthy of its blessings, or blessings as a gift, if he was meant to have the gift of discernment? will it be so then, what he has discerned he poured in wisdom to the gaps? the gaps, which is the thing that's rooting the problems on the outer realm, or thing which the Christians say and God defined - Sin?

a

2009-02-15T03:22:00.005+08:00

fought with fucking cab driver.

got off, took another.

reached home from town in 5 bucks.

fuck that-

a

2009-02-14T01:45:00.026+08:00

from the beginning,

really no accomplishments.

a

2009-02-13T21:08:00.002+08:00

sometimes in the hours

I become bored , and feel like killing myself.

but then again, it is just a come and go feeling.

of writing/expressing,

i hate it when i can't recreate the emotions.

and lose genuineness in my work

a

2009-02-13T00:50:00.004+08:00

It's no not-true.

it's no lie.
i'm in this fully alone.

it's no skepticism.
they're impossible to help.

it's no falsity.
to say the mad visionaries see truth.
and truth the commoners see a madness.

a

2009-02-13T00:47:00.001+08:00

i asked of the devil, he said come back to him when i have enough hatred.
Alright.

p

2009-02-12T00:22:00.002+08:00

Of Today's Presentation.
That was a good attempt.
God, you are to be credited.

Of, something else...
had a wonderful chat.
a need met.
an uncomprehendable graditude for you.
a godsent miracle listener.
:) my comforted soul have received its need,
despite my follys being so big.
Thy grace.
Love.

a

2009-02-10T00:02:00.003+08:00

when times of darkness befalls me.
let the light touch me by incoming songs.
like transporting a bit of you by a bus.
a service so wonderful,
to this barren and dark place.

For I know there is nowhere in this world where the grace of God cannot reach me.

a

2009-02-07T20:09:00.002+08:00

One Of Us - Joan Osborne.mp3 -

a

2009-02-07T19:21:00.004+08:00

f

2009-02-01T19:16:00.002+08:00

a

2009-02-01T15:31:00.002+08:00

die man.
i lost connection with my painting.
can't know what colours to paint anym0re.
sian.
need to find back the feel now.
and the deadlines are approaching! =x
i hate how people demands you to let out your emotions. and not let you do it freely, otot.
that is why i feel that people here only know you for the work you produce.
worst still they judge you.

d

2009-01-30T21:18:00.002+08:00

a

2009-01-30T10:56:00.003+08:00

i'm feeling angry, but nvm cos i'm forgiving,
but who says i'm feeling ok, wa blam i feel great!;

this is expressiodadaism! WOOOHT.

\

/

she notices me.
she asked me if I feel that.
she drove with me
we never loose the road,
she was more caring
because she know what
it means.
she's not my careperson,
but someone elses.
but she cares for me,
like the way my big family wouldn't want to.

you skams can't understand what it feels like
doors constantly shutting at your face
in the road of your dreams you partake
since when you were young.
you had knew what you are that you are special.
you knew what dreams you could achieve for someone else
or yourself
God, mother, son or lover.
anyways you still had a clearer path.
damn those who dont find out why they are special besides reading from the bible's sayings.
take ownership of your life. for God's sake.
they'd just wait.
that way they dont feel unfine they're not changing.
cos nth will when you keep doing the thing you do.
i hate.
people who dunno how important their lives are.
I'd cry of you for God. screw that your stubborness

a

2009-01-30T00:17:00.004+08:00

maybe one day I'll wake up
and find that God's sitting beside me (He's missing me)
as my heart starts to wonder
where the world have gone to (it's just Him here for me)
and maybe I'll run back
to the hands that created me (into the house of Love)
and those eyes I see Him waiting for me,
from the bottom of His heart (I'm inside beating for Him)
He's not going anywhere,
He'll be faithful...

song inspired by The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script.

a

2009-01-29T00:15:00.003+08:00

only a stupid idiot would think that the tuesday 27th entry and the wednesday 28th entry came from the same self, of the same heart.
and a fool not to refer back to past posts.

e

2009-01-28T23:56:00.002+08:00

I,
either murder, or
suicide.

what would be the aftermath of either one?
murder action quietens to lesser noise.
sucide action speaks louder than words.

both deals seem pretty attractive.

a

2009-01-28T23:15:00.003+08:00

they don't care. not carepersons, not whoevrfriendshit people care.

everything used to be inspirational.
things had became meaningless to me. unless it can save a soul. or its sheer purposeless shit.
what's their fricking use to paint brilliantly. attain the A grades, and get recommendations by lecturers for special privileges. where at the end of the day,
the thing they pursue is meaningless.
everything is meaningless.
everything was interesting when i was younger.
i have found that taking a life is now more meaningful than Victoria's Secret fashion shows.
though saving one is more meaningful than killing one,
but salvation only occurs in a pathetic long time.
for life, is be meaningful; murder - is, and is simpler than its antithesis.

a

2009-01-27T00:33:00.001+08:00

Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure. [Ecclesiastes 7:3-4] - i tried to say this but was overlooked as someone too negatively emotionized.

2009-01-26T21:36:00.002+08:00

HAPPY CH-(cough) NEW YEAR.
"Sorry I was blur and late..."
"Newell, I don't think you are a bad student. But you are someone who actually puts your heart into your work." - Amanda Ma, lecturer for aesthetics and animation, and also careperson.

A teacher's encouragements go a long way.

"Newell, I have confidence in you that you can come up with high quality work..."

a

2009-01-25T02:21:00.002+08:00

i sense a disturbance.
in my heart i feel the ocean waves aren't as calm.
i feel that it has got something to do with my previous previous post.

well ok.
right.
zzz!
i post of things of people that i mostly don't even know of.
i just post it as a form of expression.
it's my personal views on certain reality i've observed.
meaning, when i used the word "you" - i'm not actually refering to anyone at all that i know of.
but the person that exists somewhere else on this earth. be it far or near.

so.. erm yea..
dont think that i was talking about anybody I know, like personally.
PS: no matter how much the description might fit yoU!

oh and "shepherds" is a very general word for me to use.
like i could be referring to the father of the person i'm referring to.
or say it could be his school teacher.
or whoever that's giving him the guidance he needs.

I don't necessary mean the shepherds of the 'shepherding system' of any church in particular...

so yea.. zz.

HOWEVER, however, everhow, should anyone find what I say applicable to them, ...it could be considered as good as I had fulfilled my purpose of expressionizing. lol~
~Good day to ya~

5

2009-01-24T15:55:00.002+08:00

All Good Things Come to an End (Unreleased) - Nelly fertado ft. Chris Martin from Coldplay

...Well the dogs were barking at a new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day 'til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling on the clouds were dropping and
the rain forgot how to bring salvation
the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon so that they could die...

a

2009-01-24T03:11:00.003+08:00

you think you're already good.

can you even come up with things half the amount I can,

instead of just politically accepted grammar and mere personal experiences.

what's true catering

and what's true influence

if you really wanna let your point be known so much

you need to work hard to gain a louder voice,

and not just a beautiful voice.

so at the end of the day, say,

do you really wanna spread a message to the masses

or do you just wanna seek attention by doing a process called emo-ing?

Let you who have a brain process this: everything is meaningless if it's not done for others.

Boast of your strengths or spreading of your messages,

can be known by your heart condition.

which few can tell. but let those who can warn you first. heed their lecture. accept their love.

Shepherds don't always have to understand everything to tell you the truths which practical ways of healing you should apply for your good.

a second method to tell if you are boasting you or preaching something is

by observing how much of an audience you've manage to inspire.

people of the different cultures and beliefs. a variety would prove to you of the relevant truth in your points. cause afterall, we are all humans and we're all made able to receive help from another. we need us.

because we are also created with a thing called Soul in us, as it was also written in the Book of Life. and a human soul is something standard. we'd ultimately seek for that same one thing.

if you find little inspiration was derived by your speeches, it might mean it's time you revise what you think and how you perceive. because what you think makes what you say.

humility as you accept your past, however it was known and interpreted. and faith as you move forward.

point to repeat: everything is meaningless if it's not done for others.

Expressionism should not be valued for it's artistic values, which are standards set up by systematic men, unless the expressionism has touched another soul - A priceless phenomenon.

a

2009-01-24T02:25:00.004+08:00

why did I gave up that which I do and love at that time?

..that's right, I gave up for Jesus to take over..

but.. how come now I'm experiencing joylessness, all that purposelessness and shoot?

somewhere in the middle of the road, maybe there had been an unseen crack which I had fallen into in all insensitivity to my surrounding until now at the bottom, or prolly just near...

...
Time is the art media for Sin to showcase its godlike potential of blighting.

a

2009-01-24T02:12:00.002+08:00

Anger go unreleased>emotions lose control>mind goes mad>soul turns tired.

Anybody care to understand why was there anger in the first place?

a

2009-01-21T00:59:00.004+08:00

well for all of you who have too much time to spare to listen to my woes,
just forget every single thing i said in the earlier post
but maybe just take away the first paragraph with you.
i'm tired anyways, so in both my thinking, and expressing i might not be that objective.
i consider sometimes my inability to get straight to the point a terrible bad habit, i have no intention to do any justice to that. well, the justice is that is a bad habit, yeap. and that's all because i'm so used to talk to only myself in my mind, with me as an audience of me, i could afford to convey messages in a very abstract manner, simply because initially i found out i couldn't express them in vocab that i know, but eventually it's more of a matter that i'm lazy to learn proper english, and choose to stick to being a 'traditonist' of how i think, which is abstractly.
yet i can assure you i'm capable of logical reasoning too. but think and remember, i'm not just an analyzer, but i'm more of a processor. it's about a whole process you know. not a scenario of something. if you're gonna articulate every single thing where you're the kind to analyze every single thing you'll get a system overload same as for a computer to process something but not to compress its files, it's RAM(or whatever it is,) can BURN out.
keeping everything in .abstract format is a much wiser solution. sometimes. HA. but i do that even for small matters too. no, yes, no, i'm not trying to remove my guilty status. (no matter i say no or yes! :( )

:X BALH.

a

2009-01-20T22:29:00.004+08:00

i think i'm finally starting to understanding a bit about what it means to be incapable of doing things.
i used to think i could do anything as long as i have the will.
i looked down on nature and believed in intelligence.
and though impossibility does not exist,
humans are finite in our capabilities.
we can't run away from who we are
at the end of the day, we'd still realize
our soul never changed.

but who can understand that feeling i bear. something i kept wanting to prove. about initiation, will, dreams, ownership, ability to imagine. and so on. all these i wanted to prove to others that it works by having these qualities and your life would be better. your potential could be further unlocked. you really could be stretched much more. and you start to see your dreams realising.
no one.
no one.
no one.
no one bothered to remember what i say.
no one won't say the excuse that i'm speaking far too abstract for others to get my point, where the truth is they didn't choose to really, truly search further. because everyone wanted to remain who they are even though they said they wanted to pursue a great dream. well i was just left speechless by this group of people then.
but nevertheless, this had brought me to remembering my past.
when i thought i had figured it all, well probably most of it.
that the meaning to life is evolution
and the key lies in strong will, desire, passion
when you feel you could eventually manipulate how you're gonna be
and slowly bit by bit you feel that you could manipulate how life would unfold towards you too and who would understand how it feels
when you thought that you are so so special
because you had experienced paranormal activities that not the majority will ever experience when you're in this all alone and there's no one willing to listen to you
you processed all that you know
believed in hope
cos you know the future you hoped for doesn't come to you, but you shall go and get it yourself.
in the process to find meaning in life, you've learnt oh so so much things...
and you understood more meaning in giving second chances to others.
and you decided you wanted to change and impact lives.
you brought along your philosophy of life and preached to your dear ones.
that few friends you could only know in your secondary school days.
but still none of them truly listened nor followed.
and you wondered why is it so hard to change others.
you reasoned out and concluded that "cos they are weak to will" and you drew a line between them and you, almost categorizing them as a different class of specie.
so you secretly isolated your inner self from them.. further and further you go...
you eventually realised, you're a full-time lone ranger. you've been one since young.
even though you tried to bridge to friends
you still find that void in you.
all you hear is "you are solo"
and from whatever media you've learnt along the whole time you were growing up to demolish that emotional dependency on relationships which you were born with, you became envious to be that character in that story because of his strength, so you gambled using your one life with a new found motto: I don't need anybody to help me, I believe only in myself to accomplish anything.
you went forth and hear the countless praises and affirmations from all around...
years later you came to temasek design school
realised a major difference in 'just something'
and you try and try with your strength to do something about it
but just couldn't
and while you see others who are totally ignorant of what you've been through
advancing steadily forward
you just wanted to ask them to stop for goodness sake
but that goodness is only for yourself
before you knew you felt exhausted for having your caring nature
you wanted to be self-centered
and easily you attained it.
while no one seemed interested to in your to account your life to them
you think you owed yourself to no one
your heart belonged to no one
you were alone
things that you could see you could define its existence, things you can't society trained you to not be able to.
when it all boils down to the awareness of your solo-ness, you can only see two choices before you:
be God, or be Dead.
since i was so fearless since young, and i was proven that better futures really do exist for those who desires for it, of course i chose to become the God of my own life, and my world, parapsychologically manipulating events around me. you realised this was a choice you've made for two times.
once before knowing Him, you changed your path.
second, after knowing about Him, and changed your path too. reason: doubts by the people.

but the only reason i could explain -frustrating as it is- now for this state of shittiness im facing being unable to do so many things made me think that, this must be the result of prayers for me by people whom i lost faith in, as well as His own plans coming to pass that I was meant to do what I was meant to do, likewise the opposite.

like how the song East to West by casting crown goes:
...I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me trough
To get trough this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I'm not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
Your holding on to me

i feel that You are holding on to me
i've let go of my grip on You
but You are not ready to give me up.

i feel like i'm just vomiting a whole lot of meaningless shit on this post.

a

2009-01-18T16:46:00.006+08:00

Every dreamers of the great, achievers of the beyond, firstmen and firstwomen, change bringers and smile starters, are destined to go through a phase of great degeneration, in which few have the will to reach the light at the end of the tunnel, while the rest gets enveloped by the darkness, robbed, thus eventually sinking to despondency and disillusionment.

-through the lenses of God...

a

2009-01-18T16:28:00.002+08:00

This World is so fun.
With emotions to play with, thoughts to imagine, and human lives to prank.

2009-01-14T03:41:00.002+08:00

how to save my life

is schizophrenia a sin

design don't really allow you to truly express sometimes. fine arts does.

an even wiser man says that the faith-bounded blind men are wiser.

is expression, root issues' self-centeredness

anger from the impatience in the unexecution of my art

politically fine and prevailing liking of an ignorant mind holds back society evolution

can time stop

block system screws my every day

slow down please

todayi'm so happy i learnt of the recognition of reality for word schizophrenia; schizophrenia i found

split-personalitizia

bipolaria

yeo, of him

heck all things and just dance

yet, halt to contemplate and think like i can

corpse and me

somebody get your praise on.

a

2009-01-11T20:39:00.000+08:00

hold it back don't do it and then regret it later newell.

a

2009-01-10T12:32:00.001+08:00

i feel like people only accept me for the work that I give..

p

2009-01-09T11:58:00.002+08:00

oh my god.
i didn't sleep yesterday yet again until 0630 i decided to take a 1 hr nap before reporting to lessons at 9am.
and now i recalled just now at 0850 my mum called me by handphone and house phone. after the call i see the time, and realised it's 10 more minutes to class, i quickly want to go back to sleep and pretend that i am going to skip class today because i fail to keep track of the time. but i was really damn tired la.
and now is 1201. shit... i'm starting to feel guilty.
i got completed assignments yet to hand up.
and i'm missing the whatever she's been teaching for 2 days. although one of them i had an MC to cover up...
but neways, :(
i'm still far from complete for my second painting module.
god my oh.

2009-01-09T04:09:00.000+08:00

Tonight I Wanna Cry [DVD] - Keith Urban

k

2009-01-06T13:19:00.004+08:00

I must apologise to everyone burdened by the surfacing of my words to this blog's entry since the beginning of its time.

I was crude with my words and harsh with my tone. However, I hope you guys can understand this fact I find: that there is a time to be analytical and a time to be encouraging. And that not every post is neccessaringly considered as an EMO post. In fact none so far since I said I'd stop posting my uncontrolled emotions. Now I am just being as logical as I can, speaking in terms of, The Problem, The Solutions, The Future & The Impact on A Person's Psyche - all base from what I know and experienced. I feel a need to share what I've gathered from all my 18 years of living because my humanity won't permit me to keep uninformed people ignorant while suffering.

After trying many applications, I found a proven system of best solutions. If you want me to sum it all up I'd say it's all about versatility.

If you are curious of the time of when I will be encouraging and when not, I'll just tell you two likely reasons when I will not: 1) when I'm having a disturbed heart. 2) when I believe it's a time when you have the strength to still rely on your own/tgt with God. The latter one is more commonly the case. Because much of what I say will probably be forgotten by the receipient, I usually use some strong words, so that in the future this receipient can be able to remember and remind himself of something of himself - which is the main purpose of encouragement, remembering a truth. With the same reason being that words are easily forgetable, I seldom write unless I can sense the hunger in the other party's ears in seeking. Skeptial of my sensing capability? It's just like the same as how you'd sense if someone is from what course/school/country and also telling if he or she has have God in their hearts. So meanwhile please don't judge me as I am very sensitive to affirmation or critisism. Though afterall, it might be true that sometimes I do easily give in to emotions and self-centeredness, but overal I'm composed and analytical of my surrounding.

The three traits of my personality (C>DS) are all situational, infact my I is too. When I'm not given a task(or anything I'd perceive as,) to do, my D is negative. When I'm with my loved friends, I'm more of a high S and I. With aquaintances I'd mostly be just high S. When I'm alone with nothing much to do I'd be either C>S, S>C, C, or just S alone. This would vary greatly with the "feel" of the physical surrounding though. When I'm engaging in information processing, my core personality will just crawl itself out from the depths, that is the C>D>S also known as a "Contemplator". And lastly when I'm with my mum I'd be DC when she's hostile and just C on normal times (yes, I seldom feel when with my mum. Cos I'm disconnected, hah.)

Basically I just, as wise as I can, switch to different modes of response to different circumstances.

Laszlo Newell.

a

2009-01-05T03:18:00.002+08:00

something new for me to clarify.
sometimes in my words my "you" refers to an individual but sometimes it refers to an idealogical group of people.

This is just English and communications. I don't think it's anybody's fault.
But I think it's about variety of perceptions.
Believe me I will get the same accusation again in the future although being unguilty.

Cos it's not hard when you live in a social environment like this.
But look, I'm still smiling :) hee.

As what Aubrey Menen says of laughter being one of the things that are discernibly real.