i know today i really want to blog.
and i really wanna be all natural and straight from the heart.
not write anything through deep thinking, write anything abstract or artistic, and not write anything manipulative or what.
i really have alot of things i wanna blog about but i hope i wont write a long post again though.
alot of things really happened today.
i think the sermon today is very true that 'writing makes a man precise'.
i think one of my greatest weakness is about precision, and it is because i didnt learn to write down when i feel something. and when i dont write im not precise to myself and others cant get my point. and im also not precise to myself. although i know what im knowing and i know what im thinking but i couldnt repeat to myself what i just knew and what i just thought. and sometimes i can just fall into sin without knowing the reason why i decided to let go myself. i thought it was very stupid of me.
i feel very down that all the time when i know i want to blog something, and i know what i will blog, i will speak out those sentences in my head, but when i went to the front of my computer and the composing page to blog, i dont know what to blog. i forgot almost all of the sentences i have in my head just now, i forgot how my blog will be like. and i feel very worried about this weakness i have because those messages i have are important but i buried them before i am able to say them. i am really very scared.
tonight i suddenly felt very fearful in my heart, since the bustrip home in 4n bus. i became overwhelmed by the fear. when the two guys sitting behind us were angry and irritated by our talks about the christianity and the bible, i suddenly became very insecure. i feel threatened by their fierceness. it felt as if my heart became very small inside my chest. i somehow got this fear and feeling that they are able to hurt me. i dont know why i have such strong fear. but i realised recently, when this fear comes to my heart, i was always reminded of the past i had in my childhood. i always see my father's violence, and it's coming straight at me. i also have the fearfing feeling inside me that i got no way to run and there's no escape from those walls. i really dont know why i will remember these things that happened in the past, for i thought i've already forgotten clean them all. i dunno. then i get reminded of the feeling i had when im burdened about someone and really pray for that person with all my heart. i always have that sense of bitter bitterness and that very despair sense in me. i will use the loneliness i have experienced before to use to relate to them and i'd want to feel the pain and suffering they're feeling because i desire it. i thought of giving them company so that im in the same boat as them, and then from that place of the heart i would go and seek God and pray for them. it stated from the spiritual gifting test that my thrid spiritual gift is the Gift of Mercy. so i thought that it was normal for me to behave like that. but somehow there's this feeling in me now that's telling me that that is not correct, what is right is someting else and not this bitter bitterness. i feel that now it's really a complication of negative feelings or energy reigning in me and the Devil made use of those feelings i have to attempt to drown me. like making me suffocate to death.
when i see those two guys unknowningly my heart is feeling burdened because i feel that the emotion from them is like a giant and my heart is weak and small. then i start to cower and i start to frantic that i cant do anything to this Giant emotion. and as i further withdraw myself i will feel lonelineness that 'no im alone and i cant face this on my own' and then i feel trapped in between the tight walls and really fear is taking over me.
i remember just now i kept lowering and hiding my face behind the handel of the chair so that i wont see the two guys and they wont see me so much. i got this urge to run to a place safe.
so even when after ahbe and pris alighted from their stop, i was feeling afraid of the darkness of the night which i always wont be afriad of it.., infact always i'll think that it is cooling and peaceful and exciting. i look around me after i alighted at my stop and there wasnt a single person. i was so unbelievingly afraid of it. i'd normally liked it but not tonight. when i approached my void deck, i saw the remaining few people of a malay wedding that took place in the afternoon and by that sight of people, i felt much relieved. i got make some small prayer or talking to God along the way..
even now as i'm blogging i still have that fear...
i think i shall move on to another topic. about unbelieving people towards Christianity..
i heard this song by Casting Crowns it's called What The World Needs... and somewhere in the 3/4 part of the song there is this part where there's people talking. and i think that what they say is really the reality. the people in the song said:
"People are confused by the Gospel.
They're confused by us.
Jesus is the only way to God but we are not the only way to Jesus.
Cos this world doesn't need my tie, my hoodie, my dinomination or my translation of the Bible.
They just need Jesus.
We can be passionate about what we believe,
But we can't strap ourselves to the Gospel
Cos we're slowing it down.
Jesus is going to save the world,
But maybe the best thing we can do
Is just get out of the way."
i start to think of my classmates, and i think i'm the one really slowing them down. those people can't see the Light of God reflecting from me and therefore they can't see God. i was called to be Christ's ambassador but what i've really imprinted to my friends are not the fruits of the Spirit of Jesus but nonsensical coarse jokes. i gave in to my own nature self instead of living in the Spirit of Jesus in me which i received it on the day i chose to follow Him. What would Jesus do if he was in my class instead of me? He'd set a good example to all my friends , he'd reach out to those who are in the darkness of their life and carve them the way out. he'd build friendship with everyone and tell them what they need to hear and not what they want to hear. he'd not prioritise his school work over the mission to bring everyone to the Light. he'd not worry for the temporary school work but he'd worry for his friends that are far from the Light instead. he will not hesitate to show love and embrace to the ones who are lonely but he'd spend time with them to comfort them. there's many things Jesus would do in my class that i won't and didn't. am i being the good Salt and Light in my class, no im slowing down their salvation.
"i can be passionate about what i believe, but i cant strap myself to the Gospel because I'm slowing it down."
Cheryl wants to meet Jesus not me.
Ming han wants to see the Light but not my light.
Yanjun needs the Relationship not just classmateship.
Kin wants to have Father who will love, protect and bless his brother, not a christian classmate.
Kester wants that Friend that unconditionally accept him, not a friend he can place anything less than a hundred percent of security in.
Yiling needs to see the light of the star she was called to become in Christ for Christ, not just a warm and loving community.
Alvin needs the love that a heavenly Father could give, not an imperfect love by man.
Kangling wants to see the Love, not the compassionate characteristics of a Christian.
Johanson needs his Best Friend to give him support, not a religion that just talks of the promise of eternalty and teaches the ways he should live.
and have i contributed as i live my ways?
The idea that God loved man so much that he want them to have the freewill to serve him and the freewill to love him but not doing it out of force, when the thing He wanted most was to have a relationship with us, yet allowed such riskiness to exist by the grant of freewill to all man, because to all man He loved. and loved, that when He saw the inevitable doom man have to face He made the bridge that man can never build by asking His son to die on the cross 2008 yrs ago for the wages of every man's sins, so that the Kingdom of Heaven is now even closer to all.
just how much His love stretches for me i will never be able to comprehend, where i can only use 3% of my brain. He said love is patient in his Word, and how patient has he been with me, when im ignoring Him in my life in class, my life outside class, and my life at home. God said that if to have public victory, i must first have private victory. oh God, but you allow U-turns. I thank You for everything.
when Jesus saw their faith he said, "Friend, your sins are forgiven." [Luke 5:20]
6:26 AM 
