9:18 PM 
but who says i'm feeling ok, wa blam i feel great!;
this is expressiodadaism! WOOOHT.
\
/
she notices me.
she asked me if I feel that.
she drove with me
we never loose the road,
she was more caring
because she know what
it means.
she's not my careperson,
but someone elses.
but she cares for me,
like the way my big family wouldn't want to.
you skams can't understand what it feels like
doors constantly shutting at your face
in the road of your dreams you partake
since when you were young.
you had knew what you are that you are special.
you knew what dreams you could achieve for someone else
or yourself
God, mother, son or lover.
anyways you still had a clearer path.
damn those who dont find out why they are special besides reading from the bible's sayings.
take ownership of your life. for God's sake.
they'd just wait.
that way they dont feel unfine they're not changing.
cos nth will when you keep doing the thing you do.
i hate.
people who dunno how important their lives are.
I'd cry of you for God. screw that your stubborness
10:56 AM
and find that God's sitting beside me (He's missing me)
as my heart starts to wonder
where the world have gone to (it's just Him here for me)
and maybe I'll run back
to the hands that created me (into the house of Love)
and those eyes I see Him waiting for me,
from the bottom of His heart (I'm inside beating for Him)
He's not going anywhere,
He'll be faithful...
song inspired by The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script.
12:17 AM
Thursday, January 29, 2009
and a fool not to refer back to past posts.
12:15 AM
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
either murder, or
suicide.
what would be the aftermath of either one?
murder action quietens to lesser noise.
sucide action speaks louder than words.
both deals seem pretty attractive.
11:56 PM
everything used to be inspirational.
things had became meaningless to me. unless it can save a soul. or its sheer purposeless shit.
what's their fricking use to paint brilliantly. attain the A grades, and get recommendations by lecturers for special privileges. where at the end of the day,
the thing they pursue is meaningless.
everything is meaningless.
everything was interesting when i was younger.
i have found that taking a life is now more meaningful than Victoria's Secret fashion shows.
though saving one is more meaningful than killing one,
but salvation only occurs in a pathetic long time.
for life, is be meaningful; murder - is, and is simpler than its antithesis.
11:15 PM
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
12:33 AM
Monday, January 26, 2009
"Sorry I was blur and late..."
"Newell, I don't think you are a bad student. But you are someone who actually puts your heart into your work." - Amanda Ma, lecturer for aesthetics and animation, and also careperson.
A teacher's encouragements go a long way.
"Newell, I have confidence in you that you can come up with high quality work..."
9:36 PM
Sunday, January 25, 2009
in my heart i feel the ocean waves aren't as calm.
i feel that it has got something to do with my previous previous post.
well ok.
right.
zzz!
i post of things of people that i mostly don't even know of.
i just post it as a form of expression.
it's my personal views on certain reality i've observed.
meaning, when i used the word "you" - i'm not actually refering to anyone at all that i know of.
but the person that exists somewhere else on this earth. be it far or near.
so.. erm yea..
dont think that i was talking about anybody I know, like personally.
PS: no matter how much the description might fit yoU!
oh and "shepherds" is a very general word for me to use.
like i could be referring to the father of the person i'm referring to.
or say it could be his school teacher.
or whoever that's giving him the guidance he needs.
I don't necessary mean the shepherds of the 'shepherding system' of any church in particular...
so yea.. zz.
HOWEVER, however, everhow, should anyone find what I say applicable to them, ...it could be considered as good as I had fulfilled my purpose of expressionizing. lol~
~Good day to ya~
2:21 AM
Saturday, January 24, 2009
All Good Things Come to an End (Unreleased) - Nelly fertado ft. Chris Martin from Coldplay
...Well the dogs were barking at a new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day 'til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling on the clouds were dropping and
the rain forgot how to bring salvation
the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon so that they could die...
3:55 PM
can you even come up with things half the amount I can,
instead of just politically accepted grammar and mere personal experiences.
what's true catering
and what's true influence
if you really wanna let your point be known so much
you need to work hard to gain a louder voice,
and not just a beautiful voice.
so at the end of the day, say,
do you really wanna spread a message to the masses
or do you just wanna seek attention by doing a process called emo-ing?
Let you who have a brain process this: everything is meaningless if it's not done for others.
Boast of your strengths or spreading of your messages,
can be known by your heart condition.
which few can tell. but let those who can warn you first. heed their lecture. accept their love.
Shepherds don't always have to understand everything to tell you the truths which practical ways of healing you should apply for your good.
a second method to tell if you are boasting you or preaching something is
by observing how much of an audience you've manage to inspire.
people of the different cultures and beliefs. a variety would prove to you of the relevant truth in your points. cause afterall, we are all humans and we're all made able to receive help from another. we need us.
because we are also created with a thing called Soul in us, as it was also written in the Book of Life. and a human soul is something standard. we'd ultimately seek for that same one thing.
if you find little inspiration was derived by your speeches, it might mean it's time you revise what you think and how you perceive. because what you think makes what you say.
humility as you accept your past, however it was known and interpreted. and faith as you move forward.
point to repeat: everything is meaningless if it's not done for others.
Expressionism should not be valued for it's artistic values, which are standards set up by systematic men, unless the expressionism has touched another soul - A priceless phenomenon.
3:11 AM
..that's right, I gave up for Jesus to take over..
but.. how come now I'm experiencing joylessness, all that purposelessness and shoot?
somewhere in the middle of the road, maybe there had been an unseen crack which I had fallen into in all insensitivity to my surrounding until now at the bottom, or prolly just near...
...
Time is the art media for Sin to showcase its godlike potential of blighting.
2:25 AM
Anybody care to understand why was there anger in the first place?
2:12 AM
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
just forget every single thing i said in the earlier post
but maybe just take away the first paragraph with you.
i'm tired anyways, so in both my thinking, and expressing i might not be that objective.
i consider sometimes my inability to get straight to the point a terrible bad habit, i have no intention to do any justice to that. well, the justice is that is a bad habit, yeap. and that's all because i'm so used to talk to only myself in my mind, with me as an audience of me, i could afford to convey messages in a very abstract manner, simply because initially i found out i couldn't express them in vocab that i know, but eventually it's more of a matter that i'm lazy to learn proper english, and choose to stick to being a 'traditonist' of how i think, which is abstractly.
yet i can assure you i'm capable of logical reasoning too. but think and remember, i'm not just an analyzer, but i'm more of a processor. it's about a whole process you know. not a scenario of something. if you're gonna articulate every single thing where you're the kind to analyze every single thing you'll get a system overload same as for a computer to process something but not to compress its files, it's RAM(or whatever it is,) can BURN out.
keeping everything in .abstract format is a much wiser solution. sometimes. HA. but i do that even for small matters too. no, yes, no, i'm not trying to remove my guilty status. (no matter i say no or yes! :( )
:X BALH.
12:59 AM
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
i used to think i could do anything as long as i have the will.
i looked down on nature and believed in intelligence.
and though impossibility does not exist,
humans are finite in our capabilities.
we can't run away from who we are
at the end of the day, we'd still realize
our soul never changed.
but who can understand that feeling i bear. something i kept wanting to prove. about initiation, will, dreams, ownership, ability to imagine. and so on. all these i wanted to prove to others that it works by having these qualities and your life would be better. your potential could be further unlocked. you really could be stretched much more. and you start to see your dreams realising.
no one.
no one.
no one.
no one bothered to remember what i say.
no one won't say the excuse that i'm speaking far too abstract for others to get my point, where the truth is they didn't choose to really, truly search further. because everyone wanted to remain who they are even though they said they wanted to pursue a great dream. well i was just left speechless by this group of people then.
but nevertheless, this had brought me to remembering my past.
when i thought i had figured it all, well probably most of it.
that the meaning to life is evolution
and the key lies in strong will, desire, passion
when you feel you could eventually manipulate how you're gonna be
and slowly bit by bit you feel that you could manipulate how life would unfold towards you too
and who would understand how it feels
when you thought that you are so so special
because you had experienced paranormal activities that not the majority will ever experience
when you're in this all alone and there's no one willing to listen to you
you processed all that you know
believed in hope
cos you know the future you hoped for doesn't come to you, but you shall go and get it yourself.
in the process to find meaning in life, you've learnt oh so so much things...
and you understood more meaning in giving second chances to others.
and you decided you wanted to change and impact lives.
you brought along your philosophy of life and preached to your dear ones.
that few friends you could only know in your secondary school days.
but still none of them truly listened nor followed.
and you wondered why is it so hard to change others.
you reasoned out and concluded that "cos they are weak to will" and you drew a line between them and you, almost categorizing them as a different class of specie.
so you secretly isolated your inner self from them.. further and further you go...
you eventually realised, you're a full-time lone ranger. you've been one since young.
even though you tried to bridge to friends
you still find that void in you.
all you hear is "you are solo"
and from whatever media you've learnt along the whole time you were growing up to demolish that emotional dependency on relationships which you were born with, you became envious to be that character in that story because of his strength, so you gambled using your one life with a new found motto: I don't need anybody to help me, I believe only in myself to accomplish anything.
you went forth and hear the countless praises and affirmations from all around...
years later you came to temasek design school
realised a major difference in 'just something'
and you try and try with your strength to do something about it
but just couldn't
and while you see others who are totally ignorant of what you've been through
advancing steadily forward
you just wanted to ask them to stop for goodness sake
but that goodness is only for yourself
before you knew you felt exhausted for having your caring nature
you wanted to be self-centered
and easily you attained it.
while no one seemed interested to in your to account your life to them
you think you owed yourself to no one
your heart belonged to no one
you were alone
things that you could see you could define its existence, things you can't society trained you to not be able to.
when it all boils down to the awareness of your solo-ness, you can only see two choices before you:
be God, or be Dead.
since i was so fearless since young, and i was proven that better futures really do exist for those who desires for it, of course i chose to become the God of my own life, and my world, parapsychologically manipulating events around me. you realised this was a choice you've made for two times.
once before knowing Him, you changed your path.
second, after knowing about Him, and changed your path too. reason: doubts by the people.
but the only reason i could explain -frustrating as it is- now for this state of shittiness im facing being unable to do so many things made me think that, this must be the result of prayers for me by people whom i lost faith in, as well as His own plans coming to pass that I was meant to do what I was meant to do, likewise the opposite.
like how the song East to West by casting crown goes:
...I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me trough
To get trough this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I'm not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
Your holding on to me
i feel that You are holding on to me
i've let go of my grip on You
but You are not ready to give me up.
i feel like i'm just vomiting a whole lot of meaningless shit on this post.
10:29 PM
Sunday, January 18, 2009
4:46 PM
With emotions to play with, thoughts to imagine, and human lives to prank.
4:28 PM
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
is schizophrenia a sin
design don't really allow you to truly express sometimes. fine arts does.
an even wiser man says that the faith-bounded blind men are wiser.
is expression, root issues' self-centeredness
anger from the impatience in the unexecution of my art
politically fine and prevailing liking of an ignorant mind holds back society evolution
can time stop
block system screws my every day
slow down please
todayi'm so happy i learnt of the recognition of reality for word schizophrenia; schizophrenia i found
split-personalitizia
bipolaria
yeo, of him
heck all things and just dance
yet, halt to contemplate and think like i can
corpse and me
somebody get your praise on.
3:41 AM
Sunday, January 11, 2009
8:39 PM
Saturday, January 10, 2009
12:32 PM
Friday, January 9, 2009
i didn't sleep yesterday yet again until 0630 i decided to take a 1 hr nap before reporting to lessons at 9am.
and now i recalled just now at 0850 my mum called me by handphone and house phone. after the call i see the time, and realised it's 10 more minutes to class, i quickly want to go back to sleep and pretend that i am going to skip class today because i fail to keep track of the time. but i was really damn tired la.
and now is 1201. shit... i'm starting to feel guilty.
i got completed assignments yet to hand up.
and i'm missing the whatever she's been teaching for 2 days. although one of them i had an MC to cover up...
but neways, :(
i'm still far from complete for my second painting module.
god my oh.
11:58 AM
Tonight I Wanna Cry [DVD] - Keith Urban
4:09 AM
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
I was crude with my words and harsh with my tone. However, I hope you guys can understand this fact I find: that there is a time to be analytical and a time to be encouraging. And that not every post is neccessaringly considered as an EMO post. In fact none so far since I said I'd stop posting my uncontrolled emotions. Now I am just being as logical as I can, speaking in terms of, The Problem, The Solutions, The Future & The Impact on A Person's Psyche - all base from what I know and experienced. I feel a need to share what I've gathered from all my 18 years of living because my humanity won't permit me to keep uninformed people ignorant while suffering.
After trying many applications, I found a proven system of best solutions. If you want me to sum it all up I'd say it's all about versatility.
If you are curious of the time of when I will be encouraging and when not, I'll just tell you two likely reasons when I will not: 1) when I'm having a disturbed heart. 2) when I believe it's a time when you have the strength to still rely on your own/tgt with God. The latter one is more commonly the case. Because much of what I say will probably be forgotten by the receipient, I usually use some strong words, so that in the future this receipient can be able to remember and remind himself of something of himself - which is the main purpose of encouragement, remembering a truth. With the same reason being that words are easily forgetable, I seldom write unless I can sense the hunger in the other party's ears in seeking. Skeptial of my sensing capability? It's just like the same as how you'd sense if someone is from what course/school/country and also telling if he or she has have God in their hearts. So meanwhile please don't judge me as I am very sensitive to affirmation or critisism. Though afterall, it might be true that sometimes I do easily give in to emotions and self-centeredness, but overal I'm composed and analytical of my surrounding.
The three traits of my personality (C>DS) are all situational, infact my I is too. When I'm not given a task(or anything I'd perceive as,) to do, my D is negative. When I'm with my loved friends, I'm more of a high S and I. With aquaintances I'd mostly be just high S. When I'm alone with nothing much to do I'd be either C>S, S>C, C, or just S alone. This would vary greatly with the "feel" of the physical surrounding though. When I'm engaging in information processing, my core personality will just crawl itself out from the depths, that is the C>D>S also known as a "Contemplator". And lastly when I'm with my mum I'd be DC when she's hostile and just C on normal times (yes, I seldom feel when with my mum. Cos I'm disconnected, hah.)
Basically I just, as wise as I can, switch to different modes of response to different circumstances.
Laszlo Newell.
1:19 PM
Monday, January 5, 2009
sometimes in my words my "you" refers to an individual but sometimes it refers to an idealogical group of people.
This is just English and communications. I don't think it's anybody's fault.
But I think it's about variety of perceptions.
Believe me I will get the same accusation again in the future although being unguilty.
Cos it's not hard when you live in a social environment like this.
But look, I'm still smiling :) hee.
As what Aubrey Menen says of laughter being one of the things that are discernibly real.
3:18 AM
sometimes i really i don't know what you guys want me to do.
one minute you want me to voice out, but then you only listen to what I say in your own time and target.
it's not when you accidentally make a mistake that i'm upset about, that's nothing, and don't think that it was the thing that upsets me.
but it's when you knowing you made a mistake but failing to find out what are the consequences, and what measures you can take to prevent it or smoothen out its impact.
From the start when I didn't want to talk about anything it was because I foreknow this happening could happen.
But instead being understood I was hurt by all the anger that was thrown back against me, as being angry for not choosing to voice out even though I was told to do so.
but hey, seriously. Seriously, ...you know I'm really left speechless by this behavior. It could be considered as my first sense of betrayal that I minded.
Before you ask me to do something that's right, do remember that are you an instrument part of the righteous act or not. And if you are, please mind over your own actions.
So you wanted me to talk. I talked.
And you listened, that was good. But you had no idea what you should do than just offering your ears to me.
In full understanding of the significance of this purpose you've embarked me on, you should remember to do what it takes to make sure this purpose meets the end its suppose to reach.
If you wanted to know how I feel, make sure I concluded myself before you cease operation of the conversation. Assure yourself that you've gotten what you should, and not just assume you have by seemingly-so circumstances. Again, I want to re-emphasize that I am not referring to the accidental mistake that you had made. But rather, you didn't approach and ask me do I have anything to add on on the next day. If you really forget about it again, then this is clearly your weakness in proactiveness.
I will be sensitive enough to know not to drag very long. But are you sensitive enough to the demands of the actions you do require out of you?
I am upset at two things,
one> the unchanging folly that could compromise someone else some day.
two> the very contradiction of what you expect from me and doing only half the job. which puts me in a spot, with nowhere to go but stucked while receiving wrong accusations from the other party.
then lastly I'd be asked, why do I "condemn " the imperfectness of a person who is beautifully imperfect in essence, and while I myself is still imperfect? the misconception by personality dis-harmonization acts upon its unconscious nature, centering the issues on self, says: why isn't there enough grace that I give, then? But let me tell you what my psychoanalytical, processor personality says: one can't learn to be proactive without pain.
A great analyzer thinks and feels at the same time, because he knows that he wants to obtain an even more accurate answer.
But this statement would be as good as meaningless unless the hearer is aware of when he is thinking with his mind, and when he's thinking with his heart; not just distinguishing the difference, but able to check the frequency whenever he processes something.
Proactiveness can't be learnt without pain. Keep doing so doesn't make one proactive, remembering does.
2:09 AM
Saturday, January 3, 2009
even when you think so, you are not that worst and unworthy as you might occasionally secretly humbly admit to yourself all alone in your privacy. but God saw value in you enough for his son's life, invested his time on you and made you meanting to become the Who your soul will be truly joyous and satisfied from living it, your true meaning of existence.
4:08 AM
instead i depended on this: hoping that they could read it from my desperate actions.
4:02 AM
for speaking for me.
2:30 AM
