i used to think i could do anything as long as i have the will.
i looked down on nature and believed in intelligence.
and though impossibility does not exist,
humans are finite in our capabilities.
we can't run away from who we are
at the end of the day, we'd still realize
our soul never changed.
but who can understand that feeling i bear. something i kept wanting to prove. about initiation, will, dreams, ownership, ability to imagine. and so on. all these i wanted to prove to others that it works by having these qualities and your life would be better. your potential could be further unlocked. you really could be stretched much more. and you start to see your dreams realising.
no one.
no one.
no one.
no one bothered to remember what i say.
no one won't say the excuse that i'm speaking far too abstract for others to get my point, where the truth is they didn't choose to really, truly search further. because everyone wanted to remain who they are even though they said they wanted to pursue a great dream. well i was just left speechless by this group of people then.
but nevertheless, this had brought me to remembering my past.
when i thought i had figured it all, well probably most of it.
that the meaning to life is evolution
and the key lies in strong will, desire, passion
when you feel you could eventually manipulate how you're gonna be
and slowly bit by bit you feel that you could manipulate how life would unfold towards you too
and who would understand how it feels
when you thought that you are so so special
because you had experienced paranormal activities that not the majority will ever experience
when you're in this all alone and there's no one willing to listen to you
you processed all that you know
believed in hope
cos you know the future you hoped for doesn't come to you, but you shall go and get it yourself.
in the process to find meaning in life, you've learnt oh so so much things...
and you understood more meaning in giving second chances to others.
and you decided you wanted to change and impact lives.
you brought along your philosophy of life and preached to your dear ones.
that few friends you could only know in your secondary school days.
but still none of them truly listened nor followed.
and you wondered why is it so hard to change others.
you reasoned out and concluded that "cos they are weak to will" and you drew a line between them and you, almost categorizing them as a different class of specie.
so you secretly isolated your inner self from them.. further and further you go...
you eventually realised, you're a full-time lone ranger. you've been one since young.
even though you tried to bridge to friends
you still find that void in you.
all you hear is "you are solo"
and from whatever media you've learnt along the whole time you were growing up to demolish that emotional dependency on relationships which you were born with, you became envious to be that character in that story because of his strength, so you gambled using your one life with a new found motto: I don't need anybody to help me, I believe only in myself to accomplish anything.
you went forth and hear the countless praises and affirmations from all around...
years later you came to temasek design school
realised a major difference in 'just something'
and you try and try with your strength to do something about it
but just couldn't
and while you see others who are totally ignorant of what you've been through
advancing steadily forward
you just wanted to ask them to stop for goodness sake
but that goodness is only for yourself
before you knew you felt exhausted for having your caring nature
you wanted to be self-centered
and easily you attained it.
while no one seemed interested to in your to account your life to them
you think you owed yourself to no one
your heart belonged to no one
you were alone
things that you could see you could define its existence, things you can't society trained you to not be able to.
when it all boils down to the awareness of your solo-ness, you can only see two choices before you:
be God, or be Dead.
since i was so fearless since young, and i was proven that better futures really do exist for those who desires for it, of course i chose to become the God of my own life, and my world, parapsychologically manipulating events around me. you realised this was a choice you've made for two times.
once before knowing Him, you changed your path.
second, after knowing about Him, and changed your path too. reason: doubts by the people.
but the only reason i could explain -frustrating as it is- now for this state of shittiness im facing being unable to do so many things made me think that, this must be the result of prayers for me by people whom i lost faith in, as well as His own plans coming to pass that I was meant to do what I was meant to do, likewise the opposite.
like how the song East to West by casting crown goes:
...I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me trough
To get trough this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I'm not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
Your holding on to me
i feel that You are holding on to me
i've let go of my grip on You
but You are not ready to give me up.
i feel like i'm just vomiting a whole lot of meaningless shit on this post.
10:29 PM 
