It has its good.
It makes you think,
It makes you calm,
It makes you contemplate,
It makes you remember,
It makes you realise,
It makes you change yourself,
It makes you come up with a will.
It is meant for good purposes,
It is an opportunity for something new.
10:08 PM 
Monday, April 27, 2009
Some people can see, some people can't. The more I find, the more I know what I can see, and don't know what I can't.
That reached my gut instinct some years back. Which was why I realised that being intellectually talented isn't the best thing to yearn for after all. Though I admit that it was because of the intensive using of my brain to pursue answers, that by experience had led me to such abstractness of thought of such possibility happening to me.
So what I'm trying to say is, my main point is, not that we should stop seeking our answers but to remember that we can never be humble enough. Especially when we are more determined to not give up. Pride.
So I'd like to share what I did.
I knew that I had to be someone more to change for the better. If I have a goal in life I want the goal to be of truth and with meaning. And I'm a perfectionist. I can't tolerate one second more being in the person I've just managed to know of as a 'weaker' person or a second best. Knowing the changed is the first step to be it. I knew that grass is greener the other side, but how am I able to get there? Desperately, I went back to think again, in my thinking cap, not to decipher anything this time but to discover a new form of solution. This is when you need to have your heart with you. Slowly, slowly, I moved thoughts downward from my brain towards my heart. I didn't know this technique before, but when humans are desperate enough, we change. I wanted so desperately to get out of the frame of an intellect for the first time, that I find thinking things in ways that are 'betraying' to myself sometimes a necessity. What you gotta ask, what do you love more in life? and work towards it. I knew for certain then I can never be God anytime soon because I couldn't save everything. I had to decide what to let go. I count this as evolution. Maybe valid to be called evolution, if next time I could do something same in higher efficiency but with lesser losses. Eventually I did and finally found myself tapping into another source what they call Creativity. Guess that's why they discovered the brain as having two separated parts, the Logic part and the Creative part.
You have no idea of the process.
There was no structure and there was no stress even though I'm working towards an answer. Very intuitive. No system whatsoever. It's spontaneous. It's imagination, and you can give no proof to no logic. It was a moment I released myself from what I was sure and changing myself to become a ponderer. For the critical thinker I was before was building up his cockymanship and ignorance of pride and thank God that he made me felt the 'If' of my life and the direction I'm heading.
different experiences is the best in life or maybe definitely better than being the best in position in life. for it will mean nothing if so!
TIME OUT: to tell you the truth guys, if you've read it this far, gees, you know what? because as a matter of fact i've already forgotten the original structure of my story today and I was actually rojak-ing a lot of information for the last four paragraphs. I'm so sorry, for I was supposed to share something. The original structure I could remember just now was a i-promised-as-hell short and clear and nice! not a grandmother story. But after sometime, my brain just rusted out for some reason. Guess I can always think much faster than I can say. Though this weak arrangement might arise many misconceptions. But my point stays, that we can never be humble enough to be safe, especially if you have the characteristics of someone not willing to give up anytime soon. but giving up is stupid, but understandable, forgivable, but can't set aside it. The right thing to do is not give up, but change your thoughts and change your worldview. Human structure will always fail one day. Remember to be creative, it adds fun to your life! and this change is necessary to everyone because it allows you to see things you didn't know you can't. and the truth is, there's so much more out there than you can see, fools. but I love the fool my friends are and the fool I am. To Humanity!
i found recently a quote that einstien himself said too: creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. I tell you, it is true, and it starts by painfully 'betraying' yourself, put it in a nicer way: letting go.
2:43 AM
Friday, April 24, 2009
Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People (but don't say their name) :
1. I want you, still (so you might know it's you).
2. AMANDA MA I WAS ON MC, JUST THAT I FORGOT TO SUBMIT IT TO G.O.!
3. Get lost you all, so you can come to me :)
4. I understand what you've gone through, it was the same main place, just maybe a slightly different climate at then.
5. I deserve to be on this list!
6. Look no more. Observe me. Analyze me. Pick me. Accept me as your apprentice.
7. Recognize my psyche as true the reason why it got in my head in the first place.
8. Don't do this.
9. I don't know why you came into my head, but I'm not even interested to say anything to you but since I'm typing, read this CLEARLY: you are disgusting to me, mainly because your cognition is pathetic. I'm sorry.
10. Spirit me away. If I'm destined to be a celibate.
Nine things about myself :
1. unsure of my state
2. physically insubstantial
3. contradicted by the callings from opposing sides.
4. extrasensory
5. lost my mind map
6. stubborn, in both good and bad ways
7. just one flaw in my defense: to feel sadness
8. upset, fearful, un-hopeful of the change that occurred in me.
9. thorough
Eight ways to win my heart :
1. Be sad. And pitiful.
2. A redeemed you. Having a reason to your commonly disliked acts.
3. Cried some rivers.
4. Be as forward-going as a flying bird.
5. Talent in empathizing.
6. Dare to let go to discover more about your genuineness.
7. Ability for appreciation.
8. Strong ability to envisage.
Seven things that cross my mind a lot :
1. Blank.
2. What do I have to change.
3. My computer is a screen, it is showing something white, some smaller parts black.
4. Where's my energy source.
5. "uhh..I need to be.... uh..... something. ss..I forgot for now, I need to go ..uh.. think again. that's right.. that's that; that's right.. uhh..I need to be...."
6. How did all this happen
7. Bolster is the most faithful.
Six things I do before I fall asleep :
1. Get out from my computer chair
2. turn the fan's direction to my bed
3. let my mind be automatic
4. subconsciously allow and un-allow thoughts to be used as ingredients for my dream(s) later.
5. send command to my body to produce emotion to stimulate myself to sleep.
6. pray my thanks in neverthelessness.
Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever) :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. what can you be to mean a lot for my heart?
Four things your wearing right now :
1. nil
2. nil
3. psychic aura
4. shorts.
Three songs that you listen to often :
1. To The Ends Of The Earth - Hillsong
2. Untitled - Simple Plan
3. Canon in D Major - Pachelbel
Two things you want to do before you die :
1. Hopefully, I can sing my song of how wrong our skeptic beliefs are.
2. Impact.
One confession :
1. Is there any sentence, that can say it all? I don't think so. No amount of words can grasp the simplicity of the simplest things, which is why sometimes people say it best when they say nothing at all, but despite that occasionally I still keep talking and writing, hoping at least someone can get the simple information of what I say. Alright, it's the end.
1:46 AM
Saturday, April 11, 2009
so later, gonna take a break for now.
12:19 AM
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
9:20 PM
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
don't be fooled by me guys.
~
there's nothing for me to do.
~
they say the path of a successful man is one of many failures.
i used to be more optimistic...i recognized my failure...embraced it. tried to go around my obstacle.
but now it makes me wonder...is what they say really true..?
if so, ...why do things feel so...perfectly wrong? Failures.
wait.
or could it be not failure?
but my born incompetence
~
no things with purpose for me to do
but at least typing this out i feel better...perhaps.
6:46 PM
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Get ready...
*sad melody starts...*
*mellow*
*mellow..*
*melancholy...*
When I was much younger my mum held me in her hands once while standing on a chair. We were at the edge of the 10th floor corridor of my flat in Teck Whye, and my mum asked me if I wanted to join her to drop down. She had a terrible dispute with my dad and wanted to give up. That time my reply was yes, looking at the flat hard ground below, to follow my mum I made myself fearless, I was ready, and I was clear of my decision to end absolutely and be together with my mum in the next world to be in. But the suicide never happened, lest you'll miss the newell in the blog posts you're reading from this very web page. I don't know what got over my mum, but she chose to step down from the chair then. (Coward? probably. But I wasn't.) Ever since then, the image of suicide and the face of death have been with me all the way until today.
Just the other night; just like any ordinary night, darkness, of the schooling term of glorious Temasek Design School, I was really wondering how it'll be like if I really died, as I was suppose to. That uncontrollable curosity to see the underneath of an object went to the extent of occassional imagining the obsoletism of my earthly aliveness, hence the life in the strongly believed second a-world, oh... it's somewhere in between the suspicious hues and specks of paint on a masterpiece; yes it's the universe, somewhere hidden among the colourful benign clouds and jewel-sparkling stars...lies my solitary planet and home. This picture is so seductive. And my curosity is tempting my guts to triumph terminating life, I.
6:25 AM
