5:22 PM 
Friday, July 17, 2009
sometimes when I think I want to kill...but I cannot love when unless I think of others...most of the time I just stay within a neutral zone. others won't think much of me that way.
I harbor true hatred and compassion at different times each, I asked myself but I don't really understand how those two can coexist in me.. I just might have been blocking God's love out of me for a long time. That might explain why I can't love unconditionally.
I just can never expect fully the amazing things that the brain could do can I?
PS., this is the case of expectation that is not a forced assumption. More of like a subconscious one.
Goodnight.
11:10 PM
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Why sometimes I'd want to speak of my achievements?
Because it is where you'll see who I am.
It is not that I want fame, or glory.
But I want understanding, I want the knowing, of my friends and people I consider family to know and accept me for who I really am, and (I want them) be spending time with a person real not a person disguised.
However the substance I have doesn't always reflect on my attitude and behaviour, sometimes even my personality. I don't really remember why though, but I keeping changing as a person one day to another.
So I just wish to inform to anyone it may concern, please do not have too conceived notions of me. Because I realised only a few who have had those long, philosophical, erudite, theological, reflective, abstract, comprehensive conversations with me could remind me of who I am (in other words 'help') when I needed grasp on navigating through my solitary down moments, and provide me with mutual support.
I am thankful to my friends who remember who I am. Because sometimes being in church makes me forget who I am, where I've come from (in other words 'mutuality'), and where I've wanted to go. I find myself almost turning into a pod.
But for anyone who really understands this, he should know that I'm not trying to put the blame on the church and its people. Neither hating God, just confessing: occasionally angry why these problems are happening.
3:34 PM
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
One of my friends, he’s soft and sincere, came to ask me about why I choose to have the faith I'm having, not particularly interested about Christianity, but why did I at least believe that there is a God.
Why do you believe in God? (50% completed...)
I told him from a person who is experienced in many of life's greatest moments that at each moment was when I see deeper into the everything we do in life and see how events are designed to engage people to cooperate together hence, was when I believe that "randomness" is either not the answer or too underrated by us, because it must be something more, like an unsung genius, an entity of great love to be the cause of all things in life.
Then I told him from a normal person's perspective, that we should see with a very open-mind about everything and anything that make this world what it is we've heard or known today. Ask how can something possibly exist? Why will the possibility exist in the first place? And don't be too quick to use your own wisdom to comprehend any reported reality, not to mention those where you don't even have first hand or personal experience of. Remain that openness if you're serious about finding out the answer, and go deep, into as many aspects of life as you can - don't let mental exhaustion cause you to give a bias judgment - and go deep into many, many aspects. Not just your favourites. Not just things that you're interested. Watch out that you become a bias source. My personal suggestion would be watch lots of movies and documentaries, then read lots of books. See all the different elements that contribute to the human living experience and try to identify all the many emotions you've never really encountered. Ask yourself why is the world so dynamic. And try to trace the origins of these elements - what do they mean?- and also the origins of hope, creativity, courage and joy.
Sure as you've heard, the question of God's existence is a big one. So I said to him, "I'm not trying to say you are wrong, but do not be so sure about the things you are so sure of in your head.
"You'll never know, for change tends to happen when you least expect it. What if someday something wrong to you appears right in front of your eyes? keeping an open mind is very important cos it helps you get a way out when there isn't any. Just like we have two sides of our brain, logic and creativity.
"and you might want to know why we're made what we are. Anyway. You might reject the thing that happened before your very eyes and for the record, before you realised it she might be the love of your life who gives you purpose. You'll never know what the future has in store for you.
Calmly he tried hard, responding in slight stammering while he pondered what was said, because a part of him tells him he has to respond, no matter what, he has to stand up for the innocent belief of his mind which he nurse and care for there "I just think.. some things are just sim-simple facts." ("Like things occur all randomly." was what he meant by the look on his face.)
So I starred back at him with a quizzical look on my face wondering at his words, realising that that was precisely what I just said about never being ever-sure of your own wisdom, but that sentence he's just said . . .’you see, is also your wisdom, you're still not being open about this, you have to think out of the box. Einstein said 'Creativity is to hide your sources’ . . .and before I knew it he seemed to have heard my thoughts. My quizzical face slowly turned to horror.
His "hmph." let me know that I had opened my mouth actually.
It wasn't the most appropriate time for me to express my shame out I thought, instead, looking forward to the point in my next sentence as my embarrassment faded into my subconsciousness. I said "It all boils down to how much do you want to know the answer to that big question.
1:02 AM
Monday, July 6, 2009
Now we say collectively all that we feel as we aspire for life, then we go cut ourselves, or jump. When humanity has found salvation through death, psychologists will cry in their knowledge one day.
STD: Salvation Through Death
1:10 AM
