Surely many have been assertive rather than waiting for it to come. I am not sure about you, but of all the stories of success I've heard, not one of the people have succeeded in anything.
I couldn't phantom why it is our nature that we put things off. But I could tell it has got largely to do with these three fears:
- Fear of Pain
- Fear of Rejection
- Fear of Failure
8:12 PM 
Sunday, August 16, 2009
It all began the usual sharing of Christ and knowledge to a friend. Our open and fruitful conversation started from a video he found on youtube.com which after some days in return to that favour I shared another video from tangle.com to him.
The link of the second video is here: http://www.tangle.com/view_video?viewkey=ef6a9a07213345cbf786
The video is a conscience poking, thought-provoking, perspective challenging perspective on why does God allow bad things to happen.
And today, I received offlined messages of his responses...
>first of all i think this guy's wire probably connect wrongly
>he is all about having absolute trust and faith in god
>even to the extent of saying that we humans are stealing our breath from god
even to the extent of saying that we humans are stealing our breath from god
>personally i think he is insane
>i believe the message he is trying to get across is to have absolute trust in god and there can not be ANY questions about god
>which i think is
>insane
>because a skeptic would never ask 'why am i still alive when god knows what i did or said yesterday'. to me that sentence already shows absolute surrender without any questions asked
>again
>it is insane
>something for you to think about too..
To which I replied... as I said more I got inspired more...
>im not denying your POV, but i believe he didnt mean there shouldn't be any questions about God but more about exploring deeper into one's conscience was what he was trying to get at.
>one's conscience was what he was trying to get at.
>he's also trying to dig up the true meaning of the word "faith".
>the part he didnt do well was explain WHY we should believe.
>as in, live our lives believing in something.
>i do not think he is insane because he rationalized his POV backed with true things about all humans.
>he did not command the people even though he acted persuasively. infact he was very persuasive, and delivered a good speech because he hit a certain 'spot' in most people. that made people think, that persuaded people(if he's preaching to his church then, the christians there in the church) to place absolute faith and trust in God. (because all christians face that problem)
>you are right about the skeptics. they need concrete proof of something before they can have a belief of that something. however that also makes them not aspire big.
> my view on them is, they made their world smaller and centered around themselves. they stayed with simple truths(which is not a problem, until...) but lack curiosity to discover the beauty in complex stuff.
>they probably won't understand sophistication, but understand complication very well. which is such a sad thing. furthermore they find it hard to get inspired therefore they don't aspire towards the big.
>over time they lose the ability to see colours in their world, everything appears black and white. they find they have little exposure to something complex and beautiful. which they kinda like, cos they can lead their simple life.
>they see no much meaning in life, think that life is overrated. all they want to do is just live by the simple truths they know, and die and serve their bodies as fertilisers to the plants on earth.
>then they'll just do whatever their peers or society says. the standard of living. they might consider a family if they contain more meaning in life in them though.
>my question to them just is: why haven't you been doing anything with your life?
>not you, of course. but people like them.
>psychologists always wonder what is the origin of hope, joy, courage and creativity.
>where we could just live simplisticly like the skeptics.
>who is the one who can't know better to give up, or the one who gives up too easily? who is the one who is smarter? and who is the one, who's more fulfilled and happier?
>if throughout history and literature it stress great significance in one being alive and the greatness of life, does it mean that there are certain timeless truths about life, and if we know them, we should aspire for them?
>the question is: do you want to be a true truth seeker?
>You are talking to a truth seeker here. I am a truth seeker, and I believe in believing many things. I also, happen to find a God who answers my questions in a way no one can, therefore I do have a logical faith.
>As a deep thinker, I will be tempted by science sometimes that God isn't faithful, and I can understand if others think so. But as a Christian at some point of my life God came in and touched my life, hence my life is changed forever from then. No matter how much I doubt I can never erase that memory that, at that time, something happened in my heart.
>I encourage you to join me and attend for services. Because I want you to hear the things I hear and I want to hear your opinions, understand them and understand how you feel - a trait of a truthseeker.
>It's not about the church you're attending, but the hearing of the message. I'd be glad if you could attend some time. And remember, it is not about the conversion, but what got into your soul.:)
>I know i've sidetracked too far, but does that matter lol.
>anyways, a pleasure talking to you again. hope you receive all these messages on ur msn man.
>Goodnight :)
To some, this might seem something awful boring, well it's understandable to think that way since you are reading it as a thrid-person.
However this conversation really made me think about myself, why did I choose to do what I do? Even sometimes I forgot why, but not tonight, not tonight. Having gone through all of what God put me into, I come to you with many 'souvenirs' from one place to the other extreme.
My compassionate nature, fueled by the ability to understand different people's motivation... My beliefs that everyone deserves a fresh start... no matter how unacceptable they are to normal rationalization...
Will my many beliefs one day come crashing on me? I know I'm imperfect and I can't have all the knowledge of the world without knowing that I know absolutely nothing. I know the answer is: Yes, they will, and I shan't disallow it to happen because that would be not facing life (Prevent denial, Get truth. Get out of my perspective and view from another). I will wait upon God's timing. ...But, will I still believe? I Will Still Believe in Believing to Aspire in Life.
At this point if you, my shepherd, is reading, wanna say a big hello!
But if you're think my thoughts are still not greatly in tune with God and you're probably worried that I still have to bear acceptance of yet another hurtful truth, I just want to tell you: ...I can take that...tell me what you know. :) 'cos my pride is getting annoying.
4:11 AM
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
*takes in breath. breathes out*
First I dreamt that I was hanging out with someone then as we headed to Toa Payoh MRT Station, I entered the station but lost that person. Expecting the person to catch up soon enough, this person never bothered to come back. I waited in the train platform for hours then finally decided to call someone. I board a train to home then this person's friend called me back and told me the truth about his friend's character, and it turns out that I was unwanted by this person and then it triggered in me to have antisocial thoughts. Bad thoughts, and thoughts of a mental disorder patient. Our conversation stopped, and once again I told myself I'm choosing intelligence so that I will not feel those hurting feelings.
In my dream I became antisocial towards others. I appeared charming and bright, but I was very manipulative to get the things I want. I couldn't get along with others, and then I was brought to two shrinks for investigating.
At the questioning I hate the two shrinks because I was certain they couldn't help me.
But then I see this man sitting behind them, telling me what to say. He and I were able to engage in a really effective communication. He smiles and makes eye contact directly to me. We looked at each other and talked with no problems. So whatever he says, I say it to the shrinks.
After some time the shrinks, however, noticed that I was seeing someone I shouldn't be seeing in the room.
They tried to make me to find out if that man's real or not. I felt pressurized as that man and I were still having a strong connection.
But suddenly, unexpectedly after seemingly not being able to tolerate the emotion anymore, my higher intelligence that was kept in some part of my brain came out of where he was hiding and overruled the all the functioning of my brain. I could see things clearer and think different. He had me a new personality. I realize I was seeing an imaginary person just now, perhaps he's my friend, or my ally, and now he seems to fade off whilst looking at me. Like dying.
In the real world, at that time I think my mind was in too much shock and releasing too much adrenaline that it semi-awoke me to a semiconscious state.
Now I can recall that that part of my mind that was conscious was freaked out by how my it had managed to come up with these. All the people, all the words that they say - I swear I haven't planned them like my current scriptwriting module before I went to sleep. I have no idea how the pathology of the different class of people could conceive itself in my dream. Had I been observing behaviour patterns of different people too much? I don't know.
Nonetheless, while still semiconscious, I felt like that's how it feels like to be a mental patient. As time goes my mind is slowly gaining consciousness. And suddenly I woke up with my eyes wide open.
Time however, I have no idea how it is measured - in my dream and in reality - like Einstein's theory of relativity, the previous four paragraphs could have happened in one second.
Other things that happened in the dream which I couldn't find clearly the time they happened include, receiving a picture message of my friend apparently looking being raped by another friend whom I've not kept in contact with in reality. Strong pure emotions of worry, fear, disgust-cum-despise-cum-frustration-cum-anger towards some people in the dream, and a grief that hasn't awaken itself yet in my dream - maybe because I was suppressing it.
When I fully woke up and think about the dream, I think that it isn't a typical dream of some fantasy but everything in it really can find its own way of becoming real.
I wasn't dreaming a dream. I was seeing all the things I am apprehensive of at this point of my life.
11:52 AM
